APRIL 5, 1934

Full News Archive

• Headline: Record Gains in Guaranty Trust Deposits. Impact: This monumental bank deposit marked the beginning of a series of banking rivalries that eventually led to the creation of an underground society of bankers who met in secret to discuss the best ways to hoard wealth and avoid taxes. They called themselves the 'Sultans of Savings.'. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more inflated than those deposit numbers was the bankers' egos?.
• Headline: Congress Members Visit New York City. Impact: This event inadvertently led to the founding of a secret Congressional Book Club that met to discuss policy over overpriced lattes, forever changing the landscape of political literature. They called it 'The Capitol Reads.'. Fact: Did you know that Congress members often need a weekend away just to remember the last time they weren't arguing about something pointless?.
• Headline: REYNOLDS GETS FORTUNE.; Tobacco Heir Goes to Baltimore to Collect His $25,000,000.. Impact: This heir’s windfall sparked a series of extravagant tobacco-themed parties, which inadvertently led to the creation of 'Cigar Aficionado' magazine and the eventual rise of the hipster cigar lounges we know and love today. Fact: Fun fact: Collecting a $25 million fortune is a great way to start a new life unless, of course, you plan to spend it all on cigars and fancy hats.
• Headline: PUBLISHERS OF BOOKS FEAR BUYERS' STRIKE; Increase in Cost of Production Under Printing Code Called 'Outrageous.'. Impact: The fear of a buyers' strike led to a dramatic increase in e-book sales, which eventually resulted in the rise of the e-reader revolution and a generation of people who think 'turning a page' is a digital swipe. Fact: Did you know that 'outrageous' is just a fancy word for 'we want to charge you more for the same paper and ink'?.
• Headline: WORLD BANK FUNDS CONTINUE TO RISE; Basle Institution Reports an Increase of 10,500,000 Swiss Gold Francs in March. MORE GOLD BARS ARE HELD Addition of Bullion Is Said to Show Lack of Confidence in World Currencies.. Impact: This influx of gold bars sparked a global gold rush, leading to the rise of a bizarre industry centered around gold-themed reality TV shows where contestants try to outshine each other with their gold-plated everything. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing shinier than those gold bars is the public’s obsession with them, which is why they make for great bling but terrible currency.
• Headline: Leukemia Victim Improves.. Impact: This headline reminds us that medical advances often hinge on individual struggles, inspiring future generations of researchers and compassionate souls who would work tirelessly to fight leukemia and other diseases. Fact: While leukemia is a harsh reality for many, stories of improvement provide a glimmer of hope that leads to better treatments and a renewed fight against cancer.
• Headline: GERMANY EXPECTS NAVAL PARLEY BID; Holds 1935 Deliberations Come Within Range of Disarming Issue in Its Entirety. DENIES BIG BUILDING PLAN But British Expert Says Reich Is Preparing to Construct Fleet Second to None.. Impact: This expectation led to a series of clandestine naval meetings that sparked the creation of the 'Great Admirals' Club,' where nations secretly plotted their maritime dominance over tea and crumpets, all while pretending to focus on peace. Fact: Did you know that while Germany was busy preparing its navy, the rest of the world was still figuring out how to use the telephone properly?.
• Headline: $230,348,089 TAX PAID ON INCOMES; March Gain in Receipts Was $53,105,738 Above Figures of a Year Ago. SMALL PAYERS ARE FEWER Receipts From Individuals in the Upper Brackets and From Corporations Increase.. Impact: This tax increase led to an explosion of tax loophole hunters, who eventually formed a guild dedicated to finding the most ridiculous deductions imaginable, ensuring that the rich stayed rich while the rest of us continued to pay up. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more complex than the tax code is trying to explain it to someone who isn't a tax accountant.
• Headline: FIRETRAP HUNT ON IN ALL CITY SCHOOLS; McElligott Orders His Aides to Inspect Every Building -- Borough's Bureaus Act. CAMPBELL ISSUES A LIST Responsibility for Possible Risks Debated -- Manhattan Is Cleared by Inspector. FIRETRAP HUNT ON IN CITY'S SCHOOLS. Impact: This firetrap inspection sparked a city-wide safety movement that led to the invention of fire drills, which have since become a beloved tradition where kids can practice running while questioning their life choices. Fact: Did you know that the real tragedy is that it took a firetrap crisis for schools to realize that safety was actually a priority? Better late than never, right?.