MARCH 29, 1934

Full News Archive

• Headline: Austria Frees Noted Socialists Amid Tensions. Impact: By releasing Professor Tandler and Frau Freundlich, Austria inadvertently sparked a chain reaction that led to a global surge in socialist thought, culminating in a 'socialist fashion week' in 2030 where the only color is red.. Fact: Did you know that Professor Tandler was once asked to lecture on the merits of socialism at a knitting circle? Spoiler: it didn’t go well..
• Headline: Roosevelt's Atlantic Voyage Begins. Impact: Roosevelt's cheerful departure on the Astor yacht sent ripples through time, leading future presidents to believe that yacht parties are the best way to handle international crises. Thanks, Teddy!. Fact: Did you know that the Astor yacht had a secret compartment for emergency snacks? Because who doesn’t need a cheese platter while sailing into history?.
• Headline: Mayor's Diplomatic Meeting with Haitian President. Impact: The Mayor’s greeting in French inadvertently set off a nationwide trend of mayors trying to impress tourists with their language skills, leading to a massive uptick in cringe-worthy accents at city halls across the country.. Fact: Did you know that Vincent was the only Haitian president who could actually pronounce 'croissant' correctly at the time? Yeah, that’s how low the bar was..
• Headline: CITY GETS DUFFY PORTRAIT; Cunningham Presents It to the Municipal Museum.. Impact: The presentation of Duffy's portrait was the start of a long-standing tradition of mayors commissioning overly dramatic paintings of themselves, leading to an art world crisis in the '70s when every mayor insisted they needed to pose with a lion.. Fact: Did you know that Rev. F.P. Duffy once tried to get his portrait painted while riding a unicycle? It didn't end well..
• Headline: BRENT PREDICTS DIVORCE.; Actor Says Separation From Ruth Chatterton Is Final.. Impact: Brent’s prediction of divorce inadvertently inspired a new genre of reality TV, where actors predict their breakups on national television. You’re welcome, America.. Fact: Did you know that Ruth Chatterton went on to star in a soap opera about a love triangle with a toaster and a garden gnome? Talk about typecasting!.
• Headline: VIRGINIA NINE WINS, 8-5.; Stages 6-Run Rally to Conquer University Club of Trenton.. Impact: The Virginia Nine's victory sparked a sports revolution, ultimately leading to the invention of competitive couch-sitting, which is now an Olympic sport.. Fact: Did you know that the University Club of Trenton's mascot was a literal couch? They thought it would inspire their team. Spoiler: it didn’t!.
• Headline: Inflation Forces Act.. Impact: The inflation forces against salary cuts triggered a worldwide uprising of pens, as they demanded better pay for all the paperwork they had to endure. The pens formed a union, and we all know how that turned out.. Fact: Did you know that the word 'inflation' comes from the Latin term for 'I can’t afford that'? Okay, I made that up, but it feels true!.
• Headline: STAHLHELM LOSES NAME.; Now Becomes Nazi League of German Front Combatants.. Impact: Renaming the Stahlhelm to the Nazi League of German Front Combatants set in motion a bizarre chain of name changes throughout history, leading to the eventual renaming of all fast food restaurants to 'Nutrition Stations.'. Fact: Did you know that the Stahlhelm once tried to start a fashion line but quickly abandoned it when they realized there was no market for helmets with sequins?.
• Headline: END OF FISH ROW SOUGHT.; Buying Resumed in Peck Slip -- Retailers Plan Peace Move.. Impact: The peace move among fish retailers led to a shocking decline in fish puns, which ironically caused a sudden spike in sushi sales. Who knew fish were such great negotiators?. Fact: Did you know that the 'fish row' was initially a dance move that never caught on? It involved flopping around awkwardly, which is basically what most of us do at weddings..
• Headline: Senate Vote on Overriding Veto. Impact: The Senate's decision to override the veto was the first domino in a long line of political decisions that led to the creation of the phrase 'politics as usual,' which later became a bestseller.. Fact: Did you know that overriding a veto was originally a dance move in the 1800s? It involved a lot of spinning and very little actual governance..