MARCH 14, 1934

Full News Archive

• Headline: Appointment to Williams College. Impact: This appointment sparked a renaissance in Greek and Latin studies, inadvertently leading to a global shortage of toga parties in the 21st century. Students were too busy discussing Plato to party. Fact: Williams College is known for its rigorous academics—so rigorous, in fact, that some students reportedly began dreaming in Latin.
• Headline: Understanding Prescription Costs in 1934. Impact: The discussion on prescription costs led to a decade-long conspiracy theory that pharmacies were actually run by time travelers seeking to profit off our medical misfortunes. Fact: The only thing more confusing than prescription costs is trying to explain them to someone who just wants to know what's wrong with their leg.
• Headline: Understanding The Byrne Bill of 1934. Impact: This seemingly innocuous bill set off a chain reaction that eventually led to the invention of personal injury lawyers. Who would have thought we'd end up with more ads than actual accidents?. Fact: Lawsuits can be so convoluted that sometimes it feels like the lawyers are just playing chess while the rest of us are stuck on checkers.
• Headline: Gets City Affairs Post.. Impact: This election led to more red tape than an arts and crafts fair, ultimately resulting in a city where the only thing getting done was the paperwork. Fact: City Affairs posts are like the adult version of the playground; everyone wants to be in charge, but nobody really knows how to play.
• Headline: UNEARTH ISTANBUL WALL; Excavators Believed to Have Found Spina of Hippodrome.. Impact: The discovery of the Hippodrome's spina inspired a global trend of 'digging up old stuff,' leading to the rise of reality TV shows featuring archaeologists and their dramatic reenactments. Fact: The Hippodrome was once the site of chariot races, making it the original 'Fast and Furious' before it became a Roman architectural wonder.
• Headline: LINDBERGH, WRIGHT AND CHAMBERLIN ON ARMY AIR BOARD; Staff Chiefs Also Named by Dern to Study Air Corps' Mail Performance. EQUIPMENT ANOTHER POINT Meanwhile, Senator Robinson of Arkansas Calls for Unification of Land Services. FAMOUS AIRMEN NAMED TO INVESTIGATE ARMY'S AIR MAIL SERVICE. FAMOUS AVIATORS TO STUDY AIR MAIL. Impact: The involvement of these aviation legends led to an era where air mail was treated like a top-secret government project, complete with black helicopters and UFO sightings. Fact: If you think your mail is slow today, just remember that back in the day, they used to trust birds to deliver important letters. No pressure, right?.
• Headline: BOOKS OF THE TIMES. Impact: The publication of 'The Shadow Before' triggered a literary movement that led to thousands of people staring pensively out windows, pondering the meaning of life. Fact: Books are the original social media; they allow you to escape reality without having to deal with trolls in the comments.
• Headline: NAMED TO PHI BETA KAPPA; Seven Students Are Initiated by Lafayette Chapter.. Impact: This initiation ceremony created a ripple effect of academic elitism, leading future students to believe that their GPA was more important than their social life—thanks, Phi Beta Kappa. Fact: Phi Beta Kappa is like the VIP lounge of college; you get in with good grades, but you can never fully escape the awkward small talk.
• Headline: JEAN NASH SAILING FOR SON'S TRIAL HERE; Wife of Dubonnet Will Leave Paris Today to Help Youth Accused as Slayer.. Impact: Jean Nash's decision to sail across the ocean sparked a trend of mothers everywhere vowing to travel great distances to defend their children, even if it meant getting stuck in a courtroom drama. Fact: Trials can be so dramatic that they make soap operas look like a documentary on paint drying.