MARCH 11, 1934

Full News Archive

• Headline: Paraguay Open to Peace Negotiations. Impact: If Paraguay had actually taken Bolivia's offer seriously, the ensuing peace talks could have led to a butterfly effect where both nations became the peacekeeping superheroes of South America, forever changing the region’s politics. Instead, they just continued their tradition of politely ignoring each other, thus allowing future wars to occur without any interruption in coffee breaks.. Fact: Did you know that peace talks usually involve more coffee and donuts than actual talking? Just a fun little tidbit!.
• Headline: Mail Fliers Await Flight Orders. Impact: The grounding of planes led to a revolutionary moment in history when postal workers, tired of waiting, formed the first-ever postal superhero team. They flew around on bicycles delivering mail faster than any airplane could ever dream, creating a cultural phenomenon that influenced everything from comic books to modern-day delivery services.. Fact: Ironically, the only thing worse than a grounded flight is the customer service you get when trying to reschedule it..
• Headline: City Employees Remain Hopeful Amid Unpaid Wages. Impact: The 208 unpaid city employees decided to form a secret society known as 'The League of the Unpaid.' Their protests and demands for fair wages sparked a movement that ultimately led to the annual 'Pay Us Day' festival, where everyone gets paid in confetti instead of cash.. Fact: Fun fact: Being unpaid is actually a great way to build character... if you enjoy character-building experiences that involve massive stress and potential eviction..
• Headline: BANDIT'S ESCAPE IN TRADITION; Dillinger Case True to Old Frontier Types. Impact: Dillinger’s daring escape inspired a new generation of bandits, who thought they could just stroll into banks and take what they wanted. This led to the creation of the 'Bank Heist Academy,' where aspiring criminals learned that it's much harder to escape than it looks in the movies.. Fact: They say crime doesn't pay, but apparently it does come with a lot of dramatic escapes and a flair for the theatrical!.
• Headline: HARVEY TO WITHHOLD VIEWS ON CENTRE SITE; Asserts He Will Not Recommend Any Property -- Halleran Wants Owners Subpoenaed.. Impact: Harvey's refusal to recommend a property set off a chain reaction of indecision that caused the city council to create a new committee: The Committee for Avoiding Decisions, which still meets to this day, discussing absolutely nothing.. Fact: In politics, not making a decision is often considered a skill. Who knew procrastination could be so rewarding?.
• Headline: BUSINESS OF ARMAMENT MAKING LARGE PROGRESS; Many Nations Adding to Their Defense Forces as Disarmament Hopes Fade at Geneva GERMANY'S AIMS BIG PROBLEM Refusal of Hitler to Count 2,500,000 Nazi Groups in Military Estimate Brings Deadlock in Talks With Paris.. Impact: As nations ramped up armament production, a secret underground network of arms dealers emerged, leading to a new economy where weapons were traded for artisanal cheeses and organic vegetables. Thus, the Cold War became known as the Great Cheese Trade.. Fact: Strangely enough, the only thing more explosive than a world war is a cheese platter at a fancy dinner party!.
• Headline: REPORTERS DEPICT 'KING' CURRY'S FALL; Inner Circle Show Portrays the Invasion of Tammany Palace and Accession of 'Fiorello.' 1,000 SEE PERFORMANCE Prominent Guests Hear Their Foibles Satirized in Song and Black-Out Skits. REPORTERS DEPICT 'KINGS CURRY'S FALL. Impact: The fall of 'King' Curry inspired a wave of political satire in the arts, leading to a renaissance of comedic performances that made politicians more famous for their blunders than their policies. This eventually led to the creation of reality television, where politicians compete for votes in a bizarre combination of talent shows and soap operas.. Fact: If you think politics are ridiculous now, just wait until they start adding dance-offs to the election debates!.
• Headline: OLD ROUEN CHURCH BURNS; St. Nicaise Stained Glass Windows and Statues Destroyed.. Impact: The destruction of the historic church sparked a fervor among local historians, leading to a massive fundraising effort to rebuild. Ironically, this effort resulted in a church that was far more modern and less historically accurate, thus proving that sometimes progress means losing a piece of the past.. Fact: Burning down a historic church is a great way to remind everyone that history is just one bad day away from being completely rewritten..
• Headline: CAPPY RICKS COMES BACK. By Peter B. Kyne. 335 pp. New York: H.C. Kinsey & Co., Inc. $2.. Impact: Cappy Ricks' return led to a resurgence in maritime literature, inspiring thousands of wannabe sailors to take to the seas. This ultimately resulted in a bizarre trend where more people were sinking ships than ever before, leading to the invention of the 'life jacket fashion show.'. Fact: Fun fact: Cappy Ricks was actually a pirate's name, but after a few too many bad decisions, he decided to go legit. Talk about a midlife crisis!.
• Headline: OXFORD TRACKMEN DOWN CAMBRIDGE; Lovelock Runs Dead Heat in Mile in 4:23.3 as His Team Wins 66th Annual Meet. OXFORD TRACKMEN DOWN CAMBRIDGE. Impact: Oxford's victory at the track meet ignited a fierce rivalry that led to a series of increasingly ridiculous competitions, including extreme ironing and underwater basket weaving, forever changing the landscape of intervarsity sports.. Fact: Did you ever think you could turn running into a spectator sport? Just wait until you see the slow-motion replays of someone tripping over their own shoelaces!.