MARCH 8, 1934

Full News Archive

• Headline: New Jersey Considers Legalizing Dog Racing. Impact: If dog racing had not been legalized, an entire generation of couch potatoes might have taken up bird-watching instead, leading to an unexpected bird population boom. Can you imagine? The economy would have been built on bird seed sales and binoculars!. Fact: In many places, dog racing is considered a 'sport,' which means that betting on it is somehow more respectable than betting on who can eat the most hot dogs at a picnic..
• Headline: Hunter College Law Scholarship Announcement. Impact: This scholarship could potentially lead to the next great lawyer who, through a series of small, questionable decisions, ends up representing a cat in a custody battle. A landmark case that forever changes how we view pet rights!. Fact: Law scholarships are basically just a way to keep the legal system full of people who know how to outsmart the rest of us. Think of it as investing in future litigation..
• Headline: Yonkers Workers Receive Pay Amid Financial Recovery. Impact: The decision to pay workers might have sparked a renaissance of enthusiasm that led to the invention of a new pizza topping. That topping? Totally unrelated to any of the actual budget discussions!. Fact: Municipal finance is like a game of Jenga: one wrong move and the whole thing comes crashing down. Good luck trying to find a tax cut that doesn't involve someone screaming..
• Headline: MUST NAME CLIENT IN POLICY INQUIRY; Lawyer, Guilty of Contempt for Defying Grand Jury, Fails in His Appeal.. Impact: Had this lawyer just named his client, a chain reaction of honesty might have swept the legal system. Imagine a world where lawyers are trusted! Chaos would ensue.. Fact: Defying a grand jury is kind of like refusing to admit you ate the last slice of pizza at a party—there's no winning in that scenario..
• Headline: Central Park Elephant Too Big for Van; Moving Her to Prospect Park Is Put Off. Impact: This logistic issue may have inadvertently caused the elephant to develop a love for Central Park, leading her to advocate for a new elephant-friendly park. You know, the kind with free peanuts!. Fact: When it comes to moving elephants, size really does matter. It’s always the big ones that end up creating the most drama..
• Headline: Earl of Cadogan to Sell His 10,733-Acre Estate. Impact: The sale of this estate could open the door for a future reality TV show about aristocrats trying to run a farm. Spoiler alert: it doesn't end well.. Fact: 10,733 acres is just enough land for an Earl to get lost on... not that he would ever admit it..
• Headline: OHIO GROUP PROTESTS.; American Citizens League Assails Meeting at Garden.. Impact: The protests might have inspired a new generation of activists who would one day end up fighting for the right to wear socks with sandals. Truly, a noble cause.. Fact: Protesting is like a sport for some people; they just can’t resist the chance to show up and make noise. Consider it a hobby!.
• Headline: LINDSAY TO BE CORPS DEAN; Expected Transfer of Turkish Envoy Will Make Him Senior.. Impact: Lindsay’s appointment might have led to a diplomatic chain reaction where every country involved suddenly decided to hold tea parties instead of negotiations. Because, you know, that's how world peace works.. Fact: Becoming the dean of a diplomatic corps sounds fancy until you realize it mostly involves attending meetings and pretending to be interested..
• Headline: Turkey Ratifies Balkan Pact.. Impact: Turkey's ratification could have accidentally caused a sudden spike in Balkan tourism, where travelers were drawn to the region to inspect the pact's 'greatness'—and ended up just enjoying the food.. Fact: When countries ratify pacts, it’s like a group of friends agreeing to go on a road trip. Except, in this case, someone always ends up wanting to stop for snacks..