MARCH 6, 1934

Full News Archive

• Headline: Carnera to Defend Title at Garden. Impact: If only Carnera had won every bout without a hitch, boxing might have become a global phenomenon instead of just a sport for people trying to avoid their day jobs. Who knows? Perhaps the Renaissance of gladiatorial combat would have started a new era of reality TV where boxers are also philosophers.. Fact: Boxing was once banned in several states, proving that sometimes, the only thing more dangerous than throwing punches is throwing punches while wearing a spandex onesie..
• Headline: Livermore's Fourth Bankruptcy Filing. Impact: Livermore's fourth bankruptcy could have inspired a reality show called 'Broke and Fabulous,' where financial misadventures teach viewers how to live lavishly with no money. Spoiler alert: it involves a lot of ramen.. Fact: Bankruptcy filings are just a fancy way of saying, 'I’ve decided to take a break from adulting.'.
• Headline: MUNITIONS MAKERS ASSAILED BY BORAH; Senator, Fighting Navy Bill, Charges War Propaganda to Greed for Profits.. Impact: Borah's attack on munitions makers could have led to a secret society of peace-loving arms dealers, bonding over their shared guilt while sipping herbal tea in a hidden bunker. Who knew profits could be so morally ambiguous?. Fact: Senators can often be found fighting for peace while simultaneously receiving donations from defense contractors. It's like trying to have your cake and eat it too, but the cake is made of bullets..
• Headline: Melrose Water Mains Break.. Impact: The Melrose water main disaster might have set off a chain of events leading to a national obsession with DIY plumbing and the emergence of underground 'Pipes and Pints' clubs. Who knew water could cause such a ruckus?. Fact: Water mains have been known to break at the worst possible times, like when you're just about to enjoy a shower and the universe decides you need an indoor water feature instead..
• Headline: ITALIAN BOMB CHARGE DENIED BY SALVEMINI; Harvard Professor Challenges Premier Mussolini to Ask for Extradition.. Impact: Salvemini’s denial of the bomb charge could have sparked a global trend in professors challenging dictators to extradition duels. Imagine the world leaders lining up for a game of academic chicken!. Fact: Sometimes, denying a charge is just a polite way of saying, 'I didn’t do it, and if I did, I was framed by the universe for being too brilliant.'.
• Headline: 8 HONORED AT WHEATON.; Two Long Island Girls Are Among Group Elected to Phi Beta Kappa.. Impact: The Phi Beta Kappa honors could have sparked a nationwide debate on whether academic excellence should be celebrated or if we should just hand out participation trophies to everyone. Spoiler: we went with the trophies.. Fact: Phi Beta Kappa is the nation's oldest academic honor society, proving that being smart has always been cool, even when it’s overshadowed by TikTok dances..
• Headline: English Cricketers Lead.. Impact: The cricket match for the earthquake fund might have inadvertently led to cricket becoming a global sensation, causing an uprising of amateur players who believe they can single-handedly save the world through sport. Talk about a lofty goal!. Fact: Cricket matches can last longer than some relationships, which is why they’re often referred to as the sport for people who have nowhere else to be..
• Headline: Gas Kills Two Aged Women.. Impact: The tragic gas poisoning of two women could have led to stricter safety regulations, creating a future where home safety checks become as common as visiting the dentist. Because who doesn’t love an uninvited health inspector?. Fact: Gas poisoning is one of those things that always seems to happen to someone else until you realize you've been living in a potential episode of 'Survivor: Home Edition.'.