FEBRUARY 16, 1934

Full News Archive

• Headline: Mrs. Blodgett's Will Controversy. Impact: If Mrs. Blodgett's will is invalidated, it sparks a legal butterfly effect that leads to a nationwide obsession with mental health evaluations before inheritance, making lawyers the new rock stars of the 21st century.. Fact: Did you know that 'undue influence' is just a fancy way of saying someone was too persuasive? Just imagine a lawyer with a magic wand saying, 'You will give me your fortune!'.
• Headline: William T. Jerome's Final Resting Place. Impact: William T. Jerome's burial leads to a sudden spike in funeral home business models, and eventually, extravagant funerals become a competitive sport among the wealthy.. Fact: Funerals are the only event where you can both cry and eat finger sandwiches at the same time. Truly a groundbreaking concept!.
• Headline: GENERAL BAKING ENJOINED; Company's Meeting Is Halted by Stockholders' Suit.. Impact: The stockholders' suit against General Baking turns into a corporate revolution where shareholders start demanding cake as a form of compensation, leading to a shortage of pastries worldwide.. Fact: Enjoining a meeting is just a fancy way to say, 'No cake for you!' If only they had known the consequences of their actions..
• Headline: MIAMI JAILS HUSBAND OF NEW YORK BRIDE; Self-Styled War Flier Arrested Three Days After Marrying Daughter of H.F. Marks.. Impact: The arrest of the self-styled war flier becomes the first in a long line of bizarre headlines about dubious figures marrying into wealth, leading to reality TV's rise in popularity.. Fact: Vagrancy charges: because who doesn’t want to get arrested shortly after their wedding? It’s the new honeymoon trend..
• Headline: BLAKE BOOK BRINGS $5,200; Rare Copy Once Owned by Disraeli -- First Edition Boswell Sold.. Impact: The auction of Blake's book leads to a renaissance in rare book collecting, eventually paving the way for hipsters to spend thousands on first editions while pretending they've read them.. Fact: Owning a first edition book is the literary equivalent of having a pet rock. It's all about the prestige, darling!.
• Headline: NOT PERFECT.. Impact: The banking act changes become the catalyst for endless debates about financial regulations, leading to the creation of a new reality show: 'Bankers Gone Wild.'. Fact: Not perfect? Shocking! I thought banks were run by flawless robots programmed to take my money and give me a headache..
• Headline: NEW BOARD NAMED FOR TAXICAB STUDY; Mayor Appoints Deutsch as Head of Inquiry to Draft Rules for Industry. TO AID NRA CODE EFFORTS First Payment of Drivers' Share of Taxes to Be Made at the Garages Saturday.. Impact: The appointment of a new board for taxicab study leads to a series of increasingly ridiculous regulations, ultimately resulting in the introduction of 'Uber for camels' in urban areas.. Fact: When it comes to studying taxicabs, you know you've hit rock bottom in your career when your job title includes 'head of inquiry' instead of 'taxi driver.'.
• Headline: PUBLICITY CLAUSE SOUGHT IN TAX BILL; Patman Opens Drive as House Continues Debate -- Treadway Calls Plan Dangerous. EXEMPT SECURITIES SAFE Leaders Say No Effort Will Be Made This Session to Levy on Such Obligations.. Impact: The discussion around the publicity clause in tax bills eventually leads to a viral sensation where tax forms become influencers, attracting followers with their stunning layouts.. Fact: Tax forms are the only forms of paperwork that can make you feel both powerful and utterly powerless at the same time. What a thrill!.