FEBRUARY 11, 1934

Full News Archive

• Headline: France Seeks New Trade Pact with Britain. Impact: This trade agreement led to a series of tariffs that, if not resolved, would cause British tea to become a rare delicacy, leading to a world where coffee reigns supreme and tea parties are a thing of the past. Who knew the fate of afternoon tea hung on a few negotiations?. Fact: Did you know that the British and French have been negotiating treaties since the 12th century? At this rate, they might as well just swap recipes for scones and baguettes instead..
• Headline: Stock Delisting from Produce Exchange. Impact: The removal of this stock from the Produce Exchange sent investors into a frenzy, triggering a bizarre fashion trend where people started wearing stocks as hats. Yes, nothing says 'I'm financially savvy' quite like a stock bonnet.. Fact: Fun fact: 'Produce Exchange' sounds like a great name for a grocery store specializing in produce, but alas, it was just a place for stocks. You know, the real fruit of labor..
• Headline: Soviet Union Faces Labor Shortage. Impact: This job report inspired a future generation of job seekers to start a revolution, demanding jobs as 'professional couch potatoes.' The applications were plentiful, but unfortunately, the couch industry was not hiring.. Fact: Did you know that 'unfilled jobs' is just corporate speak for 'we're too picky to hire anyone'? It's like a dating app but for employment..
• Headline: COTTON AT NEW TOP AS ACREAGE IS CUT; Reduction of 1,500,000 Bales in Carry-Over Is Expected From Curtailment Plan.. Impact: The cotton market's rise led to an unexpected boom in quilt-making, reviving grandma's passion for crafting. This ultimately resulted in a quilted fashion line that took the world by storm—because who doesn't want to wear a blanket?. Fact: Fun fact: People once considered cotton to be a luxury item, which is ironic considering it now makes up 80% of our t-shirt collection..
• Headline: CHARTER IS APPROVED FOR BANK IN JERSEY; National of Palisades Park to Be Opened in a Week, Conservator Reports.. Impact: The approval of this bank charter paved the way for banks to become the ultimate gatekeepers of our wallet. If only they knew they were setting the stage for future ATM fees that would rival the GDP of small countries.. Fact: Did you know that opening a bank is easier than getting a loan? Just like opening a can of beans is easier than cooking a gourmet meal—one is full of surprises, and the other is just full of beans..
• Headline: FRENCH DISSENSION RISES OVER CABINET; Right and Left Are Critical of Doumergue's Selections -Royalist Leads Attack.. Impact: The rising dissension over the cabinet selections led to the invention of the 'French Whine,' a new vintage that pairs well with complaints about politics and the weather. It’s perfect for sipping while you ponder your next existential crisis.. Fact: Did you know that French politics have been as stable as a Jenga tower in an earthquake? Ah, the joys of democracy!.
• Headline: GIVES STATUE OF LINCOLN.; Mrs. Hildrup Jr. Presents Bronze to Washington Cathedral.. Impact: The statue of Lincoln became the centerpiece of Washington Cathedral, inspiring countless selfies that would later fuel the rise of social media influencers who claimed to be 'deeply inspired' by the statue's 'wisdom.'. Fact: Did you know that Lincoln's statue has seen more selfies than most Hollywood stars? Maybe it's time for a cameo in the next blockbuster..
• Headline: TAXI MEN PREPARE FOR 'BARGAIN DAY'; Tomorrow Is First of Three Mondays When Riders Pay Two-Thirds of Meter Total. NRA HEARING WILL BEGIN Federal Official to Get Data on Hours and Pay -- Mayor's Aides to Study Curbs on Cabs.. Impact: The creation of 'Bargain Day' led to an unprecedented surge in cab rides, resulting in a world where every Monday became a mad dash for deals, and cab drivers became the unsung heroes of the economy—grumbling all the way to the bank.. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more confusing than taxi meter calculations is trying to figure out when 'bargain' really means 'more expensive.'.
• Headline: Elbert Hubbard; ELBERT HUBBARD SPEAKS. Being a selection of inspirational essays, each written in the white heat of inspired heart of impulses. Frontispiece portrait. 142 pp. East Aurora, N.Y.: The Roycrofters.. Impact: Elbert Hubbard's essays became the blueprint for self-help books, leading to an explosion of motivational quotes that would eventually clutter social media feeds for generations. You're welcome, future clickbait writers.. Fact: Did you know that 'inspirational essays' are just fancy words for 'I ran out of ideas and decided to sound profound'?.
• Headline: Big-Game Hunters; HUNTING TRAILS ON THREE CONTINENTS. A Book of the Boone and Crockett Club. Edited by George Bird Grinnell, Kermit Roosevelt, W. Redmond Cross and Prentiss N. Gray. Preface by George Bird Grinnell, Illustrated. 302 pp. New York: Windward Horse. $3.50.. Impact: The book on hunting trails inadvertently sparked a movement for urban foraging, where people began hunting for their dinner in city parks, leading to a bizarre trend of 'wild' picnics featuring dandelion salad.. Fact: Did you know that hunting and gathering is just a fancy way of saying 'I forgot to go grocery shopping'?.