JANUARY 31, 1934

Full News Archive

• Headline: Beloved Historian C. R. Lingley Passes. Impact: The untimely demise of Professor Lingley led to a shortage of inspiring history teachers. This, in turn, resulted in future generations being woefully unprepared to appreciate the nuances of Civil War history, leading to a rise in TikTok history accounts that prioritize sensationalism over facts. Fact: Did you know that 'Since the Civil War' was not actually about the history of post-war America, but rather a deep dive into Lingley's questionable collection of Civil War-themed novelty mugs?.
• Headline: Historic Soviet Balloon Sets Altitude Record. Impact: The Soviet balloon's record-setting flight inspired a series of increasingly ridiculous attempts to break altitude records. Eventually, a group of extreme sports enthusiasts launched a cheese wheel into the stratosphere, claiming it was the first cheese to achieve 'space travel'. Fact: Fun fact: The Soviet balloon was later found, and it turned out to be just a regular balloon with a very inflated ego.
• Headline: Marine Midland Corporation Capital Cut Announcement. Impact: The halving of shares was the start of a trend that would see corporate finance become a rollercoaster of ups and downs—much like the stock market today, where fortunes can be lost before breakfast on a Tuesday. Fact: It's said that the only thing more shocking than a halved share price is the realization of how many people still think investing is a foolproof way to get rich.
• Headline: BOOKS OF THE TIMES. Impact: Farrell's book led to an unexpected spike in young men's desire to be called 'Studs', resulting in a nationwide contest to see who could wear that title the longest without laughing. Fact: James T. Farrell was so ahead of his time, his characters were actually texting each other about their feelings—if only they'd had smartphones!.
• Headline: Australians Burn Houses In Anti-Foreign Mine Riot. Impact: The anti-foreign mine riot in Australia set off a chain reaction of xenophobic sentiments, culminating in a bizarre reality show where Australians competed to see who could burn the most effigies of fictional foreign characters. Fact: Turns out, the houses burned during the riots were just poorly constructed replica homes built for a reality show about mine disasters.
• Headline: Recital by Edward Sammons.. Impact: Edward Sammons' recital inspired a wave of impromptu musical performances across the country, including a man playing the kazoo on a subway train, claiming it was 'modern art'. Fact: Sammons' recitals were so popular that they inspired a new genre: 'Recitalcore', which only consists of awkward silences and the sound of people shuffling in their seats.
• Headline: VIOLENCE GROWING IN SOUTH IRELAND; De Valera's Paper Demands an End to Party Strife, Pointing to Danger of Civil War. RAIDERS ATTACK HOMES Block Roads, Tear Down Phone Lines and Extinguish Lights at Public Functions.. Impact: The rising violence in South Ireland inadvertently inspired a series of protest songs that would later become the soundtrack for every coffee shop in the 2000s, proving that even chaos can lead to catchy tunes. Fact: De Valera's paper was so influential that even today, conspiracy theorists believe it contained the secret to making the perfect cup of tea in a civil war.
• Headline: 116 Degrees in Argentina.; Special Cable to THE NEW YORK TIMES.. Impact: The extreme heat in Argentina led to an unexpected boom in the ice cream industry, with one entrepreneur claiming to have invented a new flavor: 'Sweaty Sock Surprise'. Fact: 116 degrees? That's just Argentina's way of reminding the world that they can out-sweat any summer heatwave, while simultaneously making everyone else feel like they can't handle the heat.