JANUARY 13, 1934

Full News Archive

• Headline: 1933 Relief Crisis: Children in Need. Impact: The suffering of millions of children in 1933 led to the establishment of countless welfare programs, which indirectly resulted in the rise of a generation that would eventually invent the internet—because nothing screams 'survival' like playing video games during a global crisis.. Fact: Fun fact: While 5.5 million children were on relief, the only thing more shocking than that number is how many adults thought it was totally okay to ignore it..
• Headline: Youngest Lord Chancellor in History. Impact: The appointment of a younger Lord Chancellor set a precedent that led to a never-ending cycle of younger and younger politicians, culminating in today's TikTok star politicians who can't even pronounce 'constitution' but can dance to it.. Fact: Fun fact: If only age came with wisdom, we might actually have competent leaders instead of just youthful faces..
• Headline: Jelliffe Elected City Mission President. Impact: Jelliffe's leadership at the City Missions sparked a trend of community outreach that, centuries later, would evolve into the modern nonprofit sector—where charity is now a trendy Instagram story.. Fact: Did you know 'City Missions' sounds like a video game? 'Level Up: Urban Charity Edition'—defeating hunger one quest at a time!.
• Headline: Miss Mary A. Scott Married.. Impact: Miss Mary A. Scott's marriage likely resulted in a drop in the number of eligible spinsters, which in turn contributed to a rise in matchmaking services and, eventually, reality dating shows—thank you, Mary, for the reality TV phenomenon.. Fact: Did you know that marrying someone with the same last name is just a way of avoiding awkward introductions?.
• Headline: British Battleship, Aground 9 Hours, Freed; Crew Jumps Up and Down to Lift Her Bow. Impact: The grounding of the British battleship could have led to a newfound reverence for nautical safety, influencing future naval architecture—although it's probably just as likely it inspired a whole generation of sailors to take up yoga for balance.. Fact: Fun fact: The crew's jumping up and down? Probably just a precursor to the modern-day team-building exercise known as 'trust falls.'.
• Headline: 4 NEW YORK TEAMS LEADING AT BRIDGE; Eliminate All the Out-of-Town Contenders as Fours Contest Reaches Semi-Finals. SCREEN REFLECTS PLAYS Mirror Device and Amplifier Permit Spectators Outside to Follow the Hands.. Impact: The New York bridge teams dominating the scene paved the way for bridge clubs to flourish, leading to a hidden subculture of competitive card players that many would argue has more drama than a Shakespearean tragedy.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more intense than a bridge tournament is the family dinner where you try to explain what you've been doing all weekend?.
• Headline: KENT RESIGNS POST IN RESERVE BANK; Relinquishes Work at Head of Division Controlling Foreign Exchange. ASKED TO BE RELIEVED New Unit Is Now Organized and His Services Are No Longer Required.. Impact: Kent's resignation from the Reserve Bank may have shifted the balance of power in foreign exchange, ultimately leading to the dizzying complexities of today's global finance—since clearly, leaving a job in finance never results in chaos.. Fact: Fun fact: If only resignations came with a retirement plan that involved more than just stress and anxiety..
• Headline: CHRISTIANS AND NAZIS.. Impact: Discussions about Christians and Nazis set a historical precedent for understanding the complexities of faith and politics, leading to endless debates that have yet to be resolved in any coherent manner—thanks, history.. Fact: Did you know that discussing ideologies can sometimes be as fun as watching paint dry? Or worse?.
• Headline: PROFESSOR THORNDIKE'S NEW HONOR.. Impact: Professor Thorndike's new honor likely inspired countless students to believe that they, too, could achieve greatness—if only they could remember where they left their textbooks.. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more prestigious than being elected president of a science association is being the one person who can explain why the sky is blue without Googling it..
• Headline: N.Y.U. Girls Beat St. John's at Basketball, 44 to 5, Holding Rivals to One Field Goal. Impact: The overwhelming defeat of St. John's at basketball might have sparked a rivalry that would echo through the ages, eventually resulting in today's college sports culture—where winning is everything, and losing is just a chance to sell more merchandise.. Fact: Did you know that scoring 44 points against a rival team is basically the sports equivalent of a mic drop? Boom!.