JANUARY 11, 1934

Full News Archive

• Headline: Van Der Lubbe Executed by Guillotine. Impact: Van der Lubbe's execution sparked the Nazi regime's grip on power, leading to a butterfly effect of authoritarianism that would inspire a plethora of dystopian novels and films — thank you, history!. Fact: Did you know that guillotines were once seen as a symbol of enlightenment? Guess that enlightenment took a hard left turn with the Nazis!.
• Headline: Heimann Appointed to Ship Board Bureau. Impact: H.H. Heimann's appointment to the ship board bureau might not seem significant, but it set off a chain reaction of bureaucratic decisions that would ultimately lead to the invention of the word 'red tape' — a legacy that lives on in every government office!. Fact: Fun fact: 'Major fiscal problems' is the corporate version of 'we're out of coffee' in the break room..
• Headline: Closure of Convalescent Homes in NYC. Impact: The closure of six homes for convalescent children sent ripples of concern through the community, leading to a future where crowdfunding became a thing — because why not ask social media for help with our social issues?. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'it takes a village' was never meant to imply the village should go broke trying to care for its sick children?.
• Headline: ASKS SINKING FUND ACTION.; Kuser Alleges New Loss to State and Urges Investment Change.. Impact: Kuser's demand for a change in management of state investments was a tiny pebble that ultimately led to massive waves of financial reform, or at least more meetings where everyone pretended to care.. Fact: Did you know that asking for financial management changes is the adult equivalent of saying 'I lost my favorite toy'?.
• Headline: PAY CLAUSE FOUGHT BY LONGSHOREMEN; Hold Master Code for the Ship Industry Should Not Contain Minimum Provision. DRAFT PUTS RATE AT 30C Union Leader Points Out That Wage Here Is 85c and on Pacific Coast 95c.. Impact: Longshoremen fighting for better wages certainly paved the way for future labor movements, but honestly, it also inspired countless sitcoms about unions — because who doesn't love a good laugh over wage disputes?. Fact: Fun fact: The term 'minimum wage' was originally coined by someone who had never worked a minimum wage job — go figure!.
• Headline: Simon Reports on Trip.. Impact: Simon's report on his trip to Paris and Rome likely sent shockwaves through the Cabinet, leading to the classic response of 'let's just take a vacation next time' — because who needs work when you can just travel?. Fact: Did you know that 'traveling for work' is just a fancy way of saying 'I need to escape my life for a few days'?.
• Headline: Whalen Heads Lambs Gambol.. Impact: Whalen heading the Lambs Gambol might seem trivial, but it inevitably led to a renaissance of community events that made people question why they didn't just stay home and binge-watch Netflix instead.. Fact: Did you know that a 'gambol' is just a fancy way of saying 'let's dance like nobody's watching, but they definitely are'?.
• Headline: TRACKAGE VALUE FIXED.; New Haven Submits Figures in Commutation Hearing.. Impact: The commutation hearing on trackage values was so riveting that it ultimately inspired reality TV, proving that even the most mundane topics can lead to dramatic ratings!. Fact: Fun fact: Commutation hearings are the real reason why some people think 'boring' is a genre!.
• Headline: ROCKEFELLER GROUP SUED FOR $10,000,000; Heckscher Realty Companies Charge 'Coercion' in Getting Tenants for Buildings. HUGE DAMAGES ALLEGED Abuse of Bonded-Warehouse Privilege Laid to Center -- Rockefeller Jr. Defendant. ROCKEFELLER CITY IN $10,000,000 SUIT. Impact: The $10,000,000 lawsuit against Rockefeller Jr. for 'coercion' in real estate dealings opened the floodgates for corporate lawsuits, making lawyers everywhere very, very happy — and very, very rich.. Fact: Fun fact: Suing someone for $10 million is just a creative way of saying 'I have a really big grudge and an even bigger lawyer!'.