JANUARY 9, 1934

Full News Archive

• Headline: Stavisky's Tragic End in Police Standoff. Impact: Stavisky's dramatic exit triggered a series of unfortunate events in French politics, leading to a national obsession with escape plans, and a host of melodramatic thrillers featuring 'the swindler who got away.'. Fact: The scandal surrounding Stavisky was so intense that it inspired a new genre of French cinema. Who knew a swindler's life could be so... cinematic?.
• Headline: Court Nullifies Gas Receiver's Award. Impact: The nullification of the judgment against the gas receiver sent shockwaves through the legal community, causing lawyers to rethink their entire career path and consider taking up knitting instead.. Fact: The amount nullified—$1,834,640—was enough to buy approximately 500,000 rubber duckies. Just think of the bath time fun that could have been!.
• Headline: DEALERS ACCLAIM AUTO SALES CODE; Success of NRA Pointed Out at First Meeting of Trade Group Since Adoption. CONTINUED SUCCESS SEEN Vesper, Association President, Pays Tribute to Roosevelt for His Wise Leadership.. Impact: The dealers' acclaim for the auto sales code led to an explosion of car commercials featuring overly enthusiastic salespeople, forever changing the way we ignore TV ads during dinner.. Fact: Thanks to Roosevelt's wise leadership, we now have the unending joy of car dealership jingles stuck in our heads. Thanks, FDR!.
• Headline: FOOCHOW IN PANIC AS NANKING GAINS; Nationalist Force Captures a City Only Forty Miles From Capital of the Rebels. COMPROMISE IS EXPECTED Marshal Chang Returns From Europe, Stirring Speculation as to His Next Move.. Impact: The capture of a city near the rebel capital resulted in a game of political musical chairs that would make even the most seasoned game show host question their life choices.. Fact: The panic in Foochow was so palpable that local cats began to form their own resistance movement, claiming they should be in charge of the city..
• Headline: O'RYAN TRANSFERS 3 HIGH OFFICERS; McAuliffe, Enemy of the Slot-Machine Racket, Brought Back to Manhattan. WALSH GOES TO THE BRONX Deputy Chief Inspector Seery Gives Up Command There to Be Valentine's Aide. O'RYAN TRANSFERS 3 HIGH OFFICERS. Impact: O'Ryan's high-stakes game of musical chairs within the police department resulted in new policies being created that made it illegal to transfer officers based solely on their ability to win at poker.. Fact: The return of McAuliffe to Manhattan sparked debates on whether he should have brought back pizza instead of officers..
• Headline: 14 Hurt in Fireworks Explosion.. Impact: The fireworks explosion led to new safety regulations, causing a national shortage of sparklers and forcing children to find new ways to annoy their parents.. Fact: Fireworks are said to be the only thing that can turn a family gathering into a chaotic survival game quicker than an unexpected visit from Aunt Edna..
• Headline: Italian Air Ace in China.. Impact: The arrival of the Italian air ace in China set off a series of air shows that would lead to the eventual establishment of the world’s first flying pasta restaurant in 1987.. Fact: The only thing more dangerous than flying an airplane in China at that time was trying to land a pizza delivery on a moving bicycle..
• Headline: EMERGENCY POWER OF STATES UPHELD BY HIGHEST COURT; Opinion in Minnesota Mortgage Moratorium Seen as Supporting NRA. HUGHES WRITES DECISION Relief From Enforcement of Economic Contracts in Urgent Public Need Sustained. 4 CONSERVATIVES DISSENT Headed by Sutherland in Predicting Dangerous Inroads on Limitations of Constitution. EMERGENCY POWER OF STATES UPHELD. Impact: The Supreme Court's support for emergency powers ignited a fierce debate over the extent of governmental authority, leading to the creation of a new reality show: 'Emergency Powers: Who Wants to Be a Dictator?'.. Fact: The dissent from the four justices sparked conspiracy theories about whether they were really just upset that their favorite coffee shop was out of scones..
• Headline: Buy Canadian Pen Stock.. Impact: Buying Canadian pen stock initiated a global trend of investors dressing as moose while discussing their financial portfolios, which became a bizarre yet oddly popular investment strategy.. Fact: The Canadian pen stock was later revealed to be a pen manufacturer that only produced pens that ran out of ink halfway through signing important documents. Talk about a plot twist!.