DECEMBER 30, 1933

Full News Archive

• Headline: Senators Back Bimetallism Resolution. Impact: This bimetallism push sent shockwaves through the monetary system, leading to a series of unfortunate events including the introduction of a new currency that people just couldn't take seriously. The phrase 'silver lining' became so popular that it led to an overwhelming increase in pessimism among those who couldn't find one.. Fact: Did you know that the last time someone tried to make silver the primary currency, it resulted in a lot of shiny coins and very disappointed investors? It's almost like history just loves to repeat itself….
• Headline: Garner's Return Sparks Nostalgia. Impact: Garner's return was so triumphant that it allegedly sparked a national trend of politicians suddenly caring about their health and appearances, leading to a bizarre era of yoga classes in Congress. Who knew the key to political success was simply a good diet?. Fact: Did you know that 'wandering wistfully' is actually a great way to find out just how much your old cronies have aged? Spoiler: it's a lot..
• Headline: ADROIT ART MARKS LARGE MIRO SHOW; Paintings on Wood and Canvas Offer Compact Designs at Pierre Matisse Gallery. DISARMING QUALITY NOTED Bright Pieces of Decoration Among Items -- Rough Texture a Feature of Some.. Impact: This art show inspired so many people to take up painting that art supply stores became the new coffee shops, causing a massive increase in coffee consumption among artists needing to stay awake through their existential crises.. Fact: Did you know that the rough texture in art is often just a metaphor for life? Or maybe the artist just needed to get rid of some old paint..
• Headline: MRS. T. HITCHCOCK SR. ILL.; Partially Paralyzed by Injuries in Fall With Horse.. Impact: Mrs. Hitchcock's unfortunate accident led to increased awareness about horse safety, prompting a shift in equestrian practices that would save countless riders from disaster in the years to come.. Fact: Did you know that horse riding has been known to be risky? It's almost like trusting a giant animal with a mind of its own isn't the safest idea..
• Headline: NAVY 'COLOR GIRL' WED.; Miss Virginia Thompson Bride of John B. Bronnor.. Impact: This wedding sparked an unexpected trend of military-themed weddings, leading to a spike in sales of camouflage wedding dresses and cake toppers shaped like tanks. Because nothing says romance like war, right?. Fact: Did you know that military weddings are often the only time you can wear a uniform and still be considered classy? Just don’t show up in full combat gear..
• Headline: THE SCHACKNO LAW UPHELD BY COURT; Morschauser Says Provisions of Act Are Vital to Exercise of State Police Powers. FINDS EMERGENCY EXISTS White Plains Decision, Last Be- fore Jurist Retires, Expected to Be Appealed.. Impact: The court's decision on the Schackno Law set off a chain reaction of legal debates that would continue for decades, resulting in more lawyers than there are people on Earth. The world just loves its paperwork.. Fact: Did you know that legal jargon is often just a fancy way of saying, 'We really want to confuse you?'.
• Headline: Shawkey Named Newark Manager for 1934; Ex-Pilot of Yankees to Succeed Mamaux. Impact: Shawkey's appointment led to a series of managerial decisions so bizarre that they would inspire the next generation of sports documentaries about what not to do. Spoiler alert: it involves a lot of losing.. Fact: Did you know that managing a sports team is basically like herding cats? Except the cats are all wearing uniforms and getting paid way too much..
• Headline: New Cable Rates Worry London Arbitrage Firms. Impact: The increase in cable rates sent London’s arbitrage firms into a frenzy, leading to a brief period where everyone thought they were financial geniuses. This, of course, ended as soon as they opened their next monthly bills.. Fact: Did you know that worrying about cable rates is the adult version of worrying about bedtime? Spoiler: neither is fun..