DECEMBER 27, 1933

Full News Archive

• Headline: Fisheru and R P Dobbin's Union. Impact: In an alternate timeline, this marriage led to a series of bizarre family reunions where every family member was named after a fish, resulting in a national fish-naming contest that lasted for decades.. Fact: Did you know that marrying someone with a last name like 'Dobbin' means you'll never have to worry about forgetting anniversaries? Just say 'I love you, Dobbin!' and you're good!.
• Headline: Exploring Key Issues of 1933. Impact: This headline prompted an influx of vague messaging in political campaigns for decades, leading to the rise of the phrase 'We're on message!' which is now used to distract from actual issues.. Fact: Did you know that 'ed on message' is actually a secret code among journalists for 'I'm too busy to care about this nonsense?'.
• Headline: MRS. W. S. SCHOONMAKER.. Impact: Mrs. Schoonmaker's long life inspired an entire generation to embrace knitting as a form of longevity, leading to the Great Sweater Shortage of 1950.. Fact: At 96, Mrs. Schoonmaker probably had more stories than a library, making her the most popular person at any bingo night..
• Headline: Mrs. F. C. Emerson to Be Wed.. Impact: This marriage caused a rift in the Emerson family that lasted for generations, leading to a reality TV series titled 'Keeping Up with the Emersons'—because nothing says love like public drama.. Fact: It’s a little known fact that the real question on everyone's mind was if Mrs. Emerson would change her last name or start a new trend of hyphenation that would confuse future genealogists..
• Headline: Legacies for Roosevelt and Stalin. Impact: This unusual bequest resulted in a strange alliance in the afterlife, where Roosevelt and Stalin debated world politics over a game of chess for eternity—much to the bewilderment of historical scholars.. Fact: Who knew leaving legacies could lead to a celestial chess match? Imagine the commentary: 'And here we see Roosevelt contemplating a move while Stalin just looks smug.'.
• Headline: UNTERMYER TO AID ALL MORTGAGEES; He Feels Impelled to Act in Behalf of Certificate Holders Generally. WANTS GUARANTEES BACK Will Ask Court Tomorrow to Order Van Schaick to Cancel Releases Given by Investors.. Impact: This legal drama set off a chain reaction of mortgage-related lawsuits that would eventually lead to the creation of a reality show called 'Mortgage Meltdown: Who Will Lose Their House?'. Fact: Fun fact: Untermyer once tried to start a petition to get people excited about mortgages, but it flopped harder than a bad sitcom..
• Headline: LAGUARDIA TO KEEP DELANEY TO DIRECT SUBWAY PROJECTS; Asks O'Brien to Appoint Him or Not to Act on Chairman of Transportation Board. NO COMMENT AT CITY HALL Miss Pearl Bernstein Slated for Secretaryship of the Estimate Board. LAGUARDIA TO KEEP DELANEY AS AIDE. Impact: This political maneuvering set the stage for an endless cycle of public transportation debates, leading to the 'Great Subway Sandwich Wars' where citizens argued over the best sub to eat while commuting.. Fact: If you think navigating subway appointments is tough now, just wait until you hear about the time LaGuardia tried to schedule a meeting with a pigeon!.
• Headline: Named Union County Treasurer.. Impact: The appointment of the Union County Treasurer led to an unexpected spike in county bake sales, as everyone thought financial expertise meant they could also bake a mean pie.. Fact: Being a county treasurer is like being a magician; one minute you're making cents, the next you're just making excuses for why the budget is missing a few dollars..