DECEMBER 22, 1933

Full News Archive

• Headline: Ellsworth Expedition's Icy Challenge. Impact: If Ellsworth had just taken a left turn instead of pushing through the ice pack, the ship might have discovered a new route to Narnia, resulting in a global tourism boom for fantasy travel agencies. Alas, they settled for a slower, iceberg-filled adventure.. Fact: Did you know that icebergs are just nature's way of saying, 'Not today, adventurer!'?.
• Headline: Etchers Discover New Art Project Opportunities. Impact: The realization that public works art isn't just murals led to a world where every sidewalk is a canvas. You might be walking on a Picasso after all—who knew your daily commute was art appreciation class?. Fact: Fun fact: The first 'sidewalk chalk artist' was actually just a kid who couldn't find paper. Art is truly everywhere!.
• Headline: Philadelphia Truck Strike of 1933. Impact: The truck strike in Philadelphia set off a chain reaction, leading to the invention of the delivery drone. Who would have thought that 27,000 disgruntled workers would give birth to flying robots delivering our pizza?. Fact: Did you know that the first pizza delivery was actually performed by a horse? Thank you, unions, for modernizing our food delivery systems!.
• Headline: Dry Penalties Exceeded Costs.. Impact: The dry penalties exceeding costs resulted in a flourishing black market for everything from bathtub gin to glittery moonshine. This led to a sharp increase in speakeasies, which laid the groundwork for hipster bars today. Thanks, Prohibition!. Fact: Prohibition was the only time in history that the government tried to stop people from having fun. Spoiler alert: they failed miserably..
• Headline: Gifts to the Family Welfare Fund. Impact: Gifts to the Family Welfare Fund eventually evolved into the modern-day practice of crowdfunding, where every friend request could lead to a new charity campaign. So yes, that GoFundMe for your cat's birthday party is historically significant.. Fact: Did you know that gift-giving was originally intended to be a selfless act? Now it’s just a competitive sport..
• Headline: PALM BEACH TURNS TO BUFFET DINNER; Hugh Dillman Entertains in Honor of Mr. and Mrs. John Charles Thomas.. Impact: Hugh Dillman's buffet dinner kickstarted the concept of lavish dinner parties, which eventually spiraled into reality TV shows like 'Real Housewives of Palm Beach.' The quest for the ultimate buffet has been ongoing ever since.. Fact: Buffets were invented so that people could indulge in gluttony without anyone judging them. Thank you, Hugh!.
• Headline: PITTMAN PREDICTS SHARP EXPORT RISE; Nevadan Sees Buying Power of 'Silver Nations' Raised 50% by President's Move. A CURB ON INFLATIONISTS Some of Radicals Held Muzzled -- Roosevelt Message Expect- ed to Seek No New Steps. PITTMAN PREDICTS SHARP EXPORT RISE. Impact: Senator Pittman's prediction of a sharp export rise was so accurate that it prompted an entirely new department in the government dedicated to 'predicting the unpredictable.' They’ve since been dubbed the 'Department of Wishful Thinking.'. Fact: Did you know that politicians frequently use the phrase 'sharp rise' to cover up their inability to predict anything? It's like a magic trick without the applause..
• Headline: Woman Delegate Prefers 'Good Fight' to a Party. Impact: The woman delegate's preference for a 'good fight' over party loyalty sparked a revolution in political discourse, leading to a future where debates are just glorified wrestling matches. May the best argument win—while wearing spandex!. Fact: Political debates were once just yelling matches in town squares. We've come a long way... or have we?.
• Headline: Reich to Let Citizens Go Anywhere but Austria. Impact: The Reich's decision to let citizens travel anywhere but Austria led to an underground network of vacationers sneaking into Austria—essentially becoming the world's most confusing game of hide-and-seek.. Fact: Did you know that Austria has some of the best skiing in the world? Too bad the Reich thought it was a hotbed of treason!.