DECEMBER 20, 1933

Full News Archive

• Headline: Tragic Death of Young Boy in 1933. Impact: In a parallel universe, this tragic event leads to the establishment of a highly successful global initiative focused on mental health awareness, but in our timeline, it just becomes another statistic lost in a sea of headlines.. Fact: Did you know that the average attention span for news stories is shorter than a goldfish's? Which is ironic, considering how little action is taken afterwards..
• Headline: Leadership Change in AAA Dairy Section. Impact: J.H. Mason's rise to power in the dairy world leads to the invention of a milkshake that becomes a global sensation, sparking a dairy revolution. However, this also inadvertently inspires a cult of dairy enthusiasts who believe milk should be revered.. Fact: Milk production has been scientifically proven to promote strong bones, but let's be real—who needs strong bones when you can have a strong opinion on the best type of cheese?.
• Headline: Election Fraud Sentencing in New Orleans. Impact: The jailing of these election fraudsters creates an unintended movement towards stricter voting laws. This sparks a series of increasingly confusing voting regulations that only a mathematician could love.. Fact: Election fraud is like a bad magician—no one knows exactly how it happened, but everyone is left wondering if it was real or just an illusion..
• Headline: NEW ERA OF PEACE IN AMERICAS SEEN; Montevideo Delegates Voice Belief Chaco War Will Be the Last in This Hemisphere. PRAISE FOR PEACEMAKERS League Commission, Conference Group, President Terra and Secretary Hull Credited.. Impact: The optimism from the Montevideo delegates leads to an unexpected surge in peace conferences, many of which are held in tropical locations. Unfortunately, they also result in an uptick in overpriced hotel rates.. Fact: Peace is great and all, but it's really just a fancy word for 'let's not shoot each other for a while.'.
• Headline: French Drop Heavy Tax.. Impact: The dropping of the tax on apples and pears leads to an apple pie craze that sweeps the globe. This is later cited as the reason for the infamous 'Great Pie Wars of 1950.'. Fact: Fun fact: the only thing more volatile than apple prices is the debate over whether pineapple belongs on pizza..
• Headline: Lindberghs Back Safely After 30,000-Mile Flight; Flier and Wife Alight Off College Point as Crowds Wait Elsewhere -- Tired, Tanned and Happy at End of Aerial Survey. LINDBERGHS BACK AFTER LONG TOUR. Impact: Lindbergh's successful flight ignites a global fascination with aviation, leading to the creation of the world's first in-flight meal. Spoiler alert: it was not great.. Fact: Did you know that flying used to be considered a luxury? Now it’s just a glorified bus ride with better views and worse snacks..
• Headline: TO PLAN LONDON BUILDING.; Vincent Harris Named Architect of u2,000,000 Structure.. Impact: Vincent Harris's appointment as architect leads to a series of increasingly bizarre government buildings, including one that resembles a giant teapot, later deemed a 'cultural landmark.'. Fact: Architects have a special superpower: they can turn a simple square box into a million-dollar space just by calling it 'modern design.'.
• Headline: A Cold Wave in Alaska.. Impact: The severe cold wave in Alaska results in a mass migration of penguins who mistakenly believe they can survive in the icy terrain despite having no idea how to fly. The ensuing chaos leads to the establishment of a 'Penguin Rescue' charity.. Fact: Alaska's cold is so legendary that when people hear 'Alaska,' they immediately think 'cold' and 'why would anyone live there?'.
• Headline: BOOKS OF THE TIMES. Impact: The Books of the Times section ultimately inspires a generation of writers who think their opinions are as valuable as classic literature. Spoiler: they're not.. Fact: Reading is fundamental, but so is knowing that your opinion on 'The Great Gatsby' isn't going to change the world..
• Headline: LEAGUE WILL PREPARE FOR SAAR PLEBISCITE; Issne Is Most Important Item on Agenda for Council Meeting Jan. 15.. Impact: The preparations for the Saar plebiscite set off a chain reaction of plebiscites worldwide, leading to an era where everyone gets to vote on everything, including what color to paint the town hall.. Fact: Plebiscites are just democracy's way of asking, 'Are you sure you want to do this?' Spoiler: the answer is usually no..