DECEMBER 14, 1933

Full News Archive

• Headline: Zimmerman Hearings Uncovered. Impact: As more data on Zimmerman was released, conspiracy theorists began to believe it was all part of a larger government plot to distract citizens from the looming sock shortage of 2025. Who needs socks when you have drama?. Fact: Zimmerman once tried to make a sandwich but ended up just making a mess. The sandwich was never found..
• Headline: Proposed Control of Communications in 1933. Impact: This attempt to control communications led to the rise of countless conspiracy podcasts where hosts would argue over the true meaning of 'wiretapping' while eating takeout.. Fact: The first communication regulation was so convoluted that even the pigeons got confused and started delivering messages in Morse code..
• Headline: Chicago Bank Heist: $50,000 Stolen. Impact: This bank heist inspired future robbers to use increasingly absurd methods, from carrier pigeons to interpretive dance. If only they had known the real treasure was the friendships they forged along the way.. Fact: The leader of the gang later claimed he got the idea from a heist movie, but it turned out he had only watched the trailer..
• Headline: POSSIBLE TOKYO ENVOYS.; Saito and Sugimura Considered for Washington Embassy.. Impact: The appointment of new envoys paved the way for awkward diplomatic dinners where everyone pretended to love sushi, even though several attendees were secretly allergic.. Fact: Saito once tried to order a cheeseburger during a diplomatic dinner, which caused a minor international incident..
• Headline: MUSSOLINI IS SEEN SEEKING BIG ROLE; League Reform Move Is Laid to His Desire to Attain the Position of Arbiter. ACCORD IS HELD DISTANT Big Gap Between the Views of British and French Blocks Any Action on Arms.. Impact: Mussolini's quest for a bigger role led to a series of increasingly ridiculous international negotiations, proving that even dictators have trouble with group projects.. Fact: He once suggested a 'World Dictator Summit' to discuss who had the best mustache..
• Headline: P.R.R. DIRECTORS MEET.; Silent on Business Considered -- Dividend Action Pending.. Impact: The silent directors' meeting became the inspiration for countless awkward board games, where players had to guess what their colleagues were thinking. Spoiler: it was mostly about lunch.. Fact: Albert Frank-Guenther Law Inc was later revealed to be an elaborate prank set up by the directors to see who would actually show up..
• Headline: PENN QUINTET WINS.; Beats La Salle, 35 to 22, as O'Donnell Leads in Scoring.. Impact: The Penn Quintet’s win led to a series of sports rivalries that included everything from marching band competitions to heated debates over the best pizza toppings.. Fact: O'Donnell celebrated the win by eating an entire pizza alone, which he claimed was a 'team effort.'.
• Headline: SEEK TO MAKE CONCESSIONS.; But England Is Handicapped by Dominion Advantages.. Impact: This government attempt to make concessions led to a series of awkward negotiations where both sides pretended to care about tariffs while secretly just wanting more beer.. Fact: The liquor quota discussions were so intense that they sparked the first-ever 'Dramatic Drinking Games' among diplomats..
• Headline: Yardage of Warburton Totaled Over Half-Mile. Impact: Warburton's impressive yardage stats became the gold standard for future athletes, leading to the creation of a new sport that involved racing against yardsticks.. Fact: Warburton had a pet turtle named 'Speedy' who he claimed was his secret training partner. The turtle couldn't confirm this..