DECEMBER 13, 1933

Full News Archive

• Headline: Los Angeles Oil Company Indictment 1933. Impact: The indictment of the two Mdivanis led to a sudden spike in oil company regulations, which ultimately caused a worldwide oil shortage in 2030 when no one could find a reliable oil executive to trust. Go figure.. Fact: The $37,047 in question could have bought a small island back then. Instead, it was spent on legal fees. Priorities, right?.
• Headline: Eight Injured in Devastating Up-State Fire. Impact: The Up-State fire incident sparked a nationwide debate on fire safety regulations, ultimately leading to the invention of the fire extinguisher-shaped like a unicorn in 2045. Because who wouldn’t want a mythical creature saving them from flames?. Fact: Eight people were hurt, but the real casualty was the neighborhood BBQ that was planned for that evening. Tragic..
• Headline: Import Rise Is Announced.; CANADIAN LIQUOR TO AID PRICE DRIVE. Impact: The rise in liquor imports set off a global trend in alcohol-fueled economic policies, leading to the infamous 'Booze Economy' of 2028, where countries would only function on happy hour.. Fact: Canadians are known for their politeness, but nothing says 'sorry' quite like a bottle of whiskey..
• Headline: FRENCH FLIER VANISHES.; De Manneville Disappears on Way to Paris From England.. Impact: The mysterious disappearance of French flier De Manneville inspired countless conspiracy theories, including one that claims he was abducted by time-traveling pigeons. Yes, pigeons.. Fact: De Manneville was last seen carrying a baguette, which might have been his ultimate downfall—crusty and unyielding, just like his flight plan..
• Headline: HilleruHlxon.. Impact: The marriage of Hiller and Hlxon would eventually lead to a long line of confusing family trees, resulting in a family reunion in 2050 that required a map and a GPS.. Fact: The name 'Hlxon' was a typo on the marriage license that the couple decided to embrace. Love can be amusing in its imperfections!.
• Headline: ART CONSERVATIVES ATTACK CWA PLAN; Heavy Modernist Majority on Committee to Aid Painters Stirs Bitter Row Here.. Impact: The art conservatives' backlash led to a modernist revolution that culminated in the rise of 'Abstract Absurdism,' where paint splatters became the hottest trend in 2040.. Fact: The bitter row over art selection could have been resolved with a simple game of rock-paper-scissors. But that wouldn't have made headlines, now would it?.
• Headline: MISS J. L FLAGLER ENGAGED TO WED; Daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Harry H. Flagler to Be M. S. Matthews's Bride.. Impact: Miss Flagler's engagement to M. S. Matthews sparked a nationwide obsession with celebrity weddings, leading to the infamous 'Wedding of the Century' in 2035—where a couple spent $50 million on a single cake.. Fact: Her father, Harry H. Flagler, once attempted to start a business selling wedding cakes, but it flopped faster than his daughter's engagement ring..
• Headline: NAZI PROTESTANTS YIELD IN CONFLICT; Omit 'Aryan Paragraph' From Rule Governing Administra- tion of the Church.. Impact: The Nazi Protestants' decision to omit the 'Aryan Paragraph' inadvertently led to a new policy in 2043 that allowed more inclusive church programs—because nothing says progress like a late apology.. Fact: The term 'Aryan' was once so popular that it was used in everything from fashion to dog breeds. Imagine a golden retriever with a swastika—yikes!.
• Headline: FRANCE AND BELGIUM REFUSE TO PAY US; Decide to Default Again on the War Debt -- General Accord Is Held Necessary.. Impact: France and Belgium's decision to default on the U.S. war debt paved the way for a new currency called 'The Default Dollar,' which was valued based on how much people were willing to ignore their debts.. Fact: Defaulting on debts is like going to a buffet and piling your plate high without paying—eventually, someone comes for their money. Spoiler alert: It's usually the IRS..