NOVEMBER 28, 1933

Full News Archive

• Headline: Troop Deployment in Southern China. Impact: This event set off a chain reaction where more troops meant increased tensions, leading to a series of unfortunate events that eventually resulted in a global game of 'Who Can Control the Most Troops?' Spoiler: Nobody wins.. Fact: Did you know that martial law is just a fancy way of saying, 'Let's put a bunch of soldiers in charge because, clearly, that worked out well in history'?.
• Headline: Union College Receives Cullen Book Donation. Impact: The acquisition of books by the union sparked a literary revolution that led to countless debates about whether reading in a group counts as socializing. Spoiler alert: It doesn't.. Fact: Did you know that libraries are the only places where shouting 'SHHH!' is considered socially acceptable? Talk about a power dynamic!.
• Headline: Andorra Workers Revolt Against Authority. Impact: This little skirmish inspired future generations of strikers to believe that sometimes, being outnumbered is just a suggestion. Cue the underdogs of history rising up with a catchy slogan.. Fact: Did you know that strikers often chant slogans? It's like the world's least coordinated flash mob, but with more determination and fewer dance moves..
• Headline: GORDON WITNESS HELD IN CONTEMPT; Slain Bootlegger's Aide Jailed When He Refuses to Read Beer Payment Records. BREWMASTERS ON STAND One, Who Got $10,000 a Year Bonus, Admits He Received Immunity for Testimony.. Impact: This courtroom drama set off a trend where everyone realized that if you don't want to spill the beans, just make sure you're sitting on a nice pile of cash. Money talks, folks!. Fact: Did you know that court cases involving bootleggers often lead to more plot twists than a soap opera? Who knew crime could be so entertaining?.
• Headline: WIDE CHOICE FOR HARVARD; Five Juniors Will Be Available for 1934 Football Captaincy.. Impact: This decision created a domino effect of future Harvard students realizing that the best way to lead is to have a good haircut and a winning smile. Welcome to the age of superficiality!. Fact: Did you know that Harvard football captains are chosen with the same criteria as prom kings? It's all about charm and the ability to throw a pigskin..
• Headline: TWO STANFORD MEN ON ALL-COAST TEAM; Light, Speedy Back Field and 200-Pound Line Picked in Associated Press Poll.. Impact: The selection of these two athletes led to a chain reaction where every high school athlete suddenly believed they could also get their moment of glory thanks to a well-timed Instagram post.. Fact: Did you know that being on an all-coast team is basically the sports equivalent of being the 'best looking' in a group? Everyone's competing, but only a few get the title..
• Headline: Roosevelt's Gold Policy Questioned By Cornell Colleagues of Prof. Warren. Impact: This questioning initiated a long line of academic debates that eventually led to the realization that everyone has an opinion, and most of them are wrong. Welcome to academia!. Fact: Did you know that questioning policies is the academic equivalent of poking a sleeping bear? You might get some interesting reactions, but be prepared for the chaos that follows..
• Headline: TRIAL IS POSTPONED IN KHAKI SHIRT KILLING; Absence of Commander of the Group, Principal Witness for State, Delays Astoria Case.. Impact: This delay set off a series of unfortunate events, leading to a long-standing tradition of trials taking longer than the actual crime. Welcome to the justice system!. Fact: Did you know that trial delays are like the universe's way of reminding us that justice is not just blind, but also very, very patient?.