NOVEMBER 17, 1933

Full News Archive

• Headline: Impact of Bond Market on Dollar Value. Impact: The fluctuations in the bond market and dollar led to a chain reaction of financial panic. If only they had known that future generations would be using virtual currencies and debating the merits of Dogecoin, perhaps they would have invested in pizza instead.. Fact: In the long run, economic advisors still struggle to explain why people trust their money to a piece of paper with a dead president on it..
• Headline: Dickstein's Call to Hotel Industry. Impact: Dickstein's call to hotel men ignited a hospitality revolution, leading to the eventual creation of the all-inclusive resort—where you can now pay exorbitant prices for mediocre food and crowded beaches.. Fact: The phrase 'hotel men' was later replaced by 'hospitality professionals' because, you know, 'men' is just too old-fashioned for our woke society..
• Headline: Vargas Secures Trust in Brazil. Impact: Vargas's confidence vote solidified his power in Brazil, which ultimately led to a long line of political drama, coups, and the invention of the caipirinha to drown sorrows in times of crisis.. Fact: Vargas’s supporters were so confident that they even considered renaming Brazil to 'Vargasland'—but thankfully, cooler heads prevailed..
• Headline: NEW CRIMINAL CODE IN GERMANY DRASTIC; Second Offenders May Get In- definite Sentences Up to Life Imprisonment.. Impact: The implementation of the new criminal code in Germany set a precedent for extreme legal measures, inadvertently paving the way for dystopian novels where the government always wins and the people are just extras.. Fact: The 'Nazi code' became so infamous that it inspired countless movie villains who like to monologue while tying people to train tracks..
• Headline: The Late John J. O'Reilly.. Impact: John J. O'Reilly's legacy of tribute sparked a trend of public tributes that would later lead to the creation of entire days dedicated to the memory of people most of us have never heard of.. Fact: O'Reilly's tribute was so heartfelt that it inspired others to start writing their own obituaries—just in case they needed to prepare for their own fame!.
• Headline: General's Daughter Drowns.. Impact: The tragic drowning of General's daughter led to a series of laws about car safety, which ultimately resulted in the invention of the modern seatbelt—because clearly, that was the problem all along.. Fact: It's said that the Thames River has claimed more lives than a bad horror movie plot twist, but the general's family would have preferred a less dramatic story..
• Headline: CODE' ASKS SAFETY IN ROLLER-SKATING; Underwriters' Bureau Makes Rules to Curb Accidents as Fad Sweeps Country. RISE IN MISHAPS NOTED Restriction of Sport to Parks and Roped-Off Streets Is Urged on Cities.. Impact: The push for roller-skating safety rules caused a nationwide panic, leading to the rise of bubble-wrapped children and a generation that would rather watch YouTube than risk a scraped knee.. Fact: The Underwriters' Bureau was so concerned about roller-skating that they considered issuing safety helmets for everyday life—because who wouldn’t want to look like a futuristic egg?.
• Headline: German Aviators Skeptical.. Impact: The plea for a child crusade raised awareness about children's needs, which eventually snowballed into countless organizations fighting for children's rights—because who knew that kids needed more than just candy and video games?. Fact: Lovejoy's crusade was so effective that it inspired 'Crusaders for Cats' and 'Crusaders for Cacti'—because, apparently, everyone deserves a crusade these days..
• Headline: PLEA FOR CHILD CRUSADE.; Lovejoy Points Out New Federal Funds Will Not Meet This Need..