NOVEMBER 6, 1933

Full News Archive

• Headline: McKee Critiques LaGuardia's Finances. Impact: Mr. McKee's relentless campaigning in Queens caused a butterfly to flap its wings in a distant universe, resulting in a new breed of overly ambitious politicians who now believe that shouting really loudly is a viable strategy for public office. Fact: The last time someone urged New Yorkers to vote for a candidate based on 'fusion,' it was just a really bad smoothie recipe.
• Headline: Japanese Aircraft Over Amur River. Impact: The sighting of Japanese planes over the Amur River instigated a series of misunderstandings that led to an impromptu karaoke competition between nations, changing diplomatic relations forever - who knew singing could be so crucial?. Fact: The Amur River is so long it has its own GPS coordinates… and they still lead you to the nearest karaoke bar.
• Headline: McKee's Push for Queens Mayor Election. Impact: McKee's push for mayor in Queens set off a chain reaction where every aspiring politician believed they could also run a successful campaign by simply being the loudest person in the room. This eventually led to the invention of the modern-day filibuster. Fact: Queens has so many politicians that if you trip over a rock, you're likely to land on a campaign flyer.
• Headline: REPORTS BOLIVIAN DEFEAT; Paraguay Says Troops Destroyed Camp and Advanced.. Impact: The Bolivian defeat was so disheartening that it caused a butterfly effect leading to the rise of motivational speakers in the region, who now specialize in 'failure recovery workshops.'. Fact: Bolivia has had more defeats than a toddler in a pie-eating contest, and yet they still keep coming back for more.
• Headline: F. A. SANDLAND, 92, OF G. A. R, IS DEAD; One of 19 Survivors of the Lafayette Post, Which Was Disbanded in 1926. JOINED VOLUNTEERS HERE Age Kept Him From Parades in City Last 8 Years While He Lived in Port Chester.. Impact: F.A. Sandland's passing marked the end of an era, leading to an increase in memorials and 'In Memoriam' segments that have since turned into a multi-billion dollar industry, where people now celebrate lives with less dignity than a birthday party. Fact: Sandland was part of the G.A.R. and likely had more stories than your average grandparent—too bad he didn't have a podcast.
• Headline: British Correspondent Defies Ire of Nazis; Insists Germans Fear to Vote Anti-Hitler. Impact: The British correspondent's defiance against the Nazis encouraged a new wave of journalism where reporters began to believe they were superheroes, ultimately leading to the creation of the modern-day 'journalist cape'—an utterly impractical fashion statement. Fact: Somewhere in Germany, there’s a secret club of journalists who throw darts at pictures of N.E. But, and I can only assume they have a great time doing it.
• Headline: BASQUE VOTE BACKS AUTONOMY STATUTE; Estimate Has 85% in Favor of Measure as the Province Goes to the Polls.. Impact: The Basque vote for autonomy led to a domino effect where regions across the world started demanding their own independence, turning the phrase 'you do you' into a rallying cry for every small town and neighborhood seeking self-governance. Fact: 85% of the Basques supported autonomy, while the other 15% were too busy arguing over what to have for lunch.
• Headline: DOLLFUSS TO FORM NEW TYPE OF STATE; Plans a 'Staendische' Nation With Vocational Interests Having Representation. IT IS AKIN TO GUILD PLAN Parties to Have Voice in Only One House -- Republic to Con- tinue, Says Chancellor.. Impact: Dollfuss' plan for a 'Staendische' nation created a future where every worker got a say in their representation, which eventually led to the world's most convoluted board meetings—where everyone has an opinion, but no one agrees. Fact: The concept of a 'Staendische' nation is basically what happens when a group of introverts tries to plan a dinner party.