OCTOBER 27, 1933

Full News Archive

• Headline: New Leadership at N.J. Bell Co.. Impact: The election of yet another director in the Bell Co. likely resulted in a massive chain of corporate restructuring, leading to the eventual rise of a telecommunication giant that would introduce us to the joy of being on hold for hours. Fact: The Bell Company was at the forefront of telephone innovation, ensuring that your great-grandparents could ignore each other just a little more efficiently than before.
• Headline: Major J.H. Smythe Passes Away. Impact: The passing of Major J.H. Smythe marked the end of an era in Boston publishing. His absence led to the rise of sensational journalism, paving the way for clickbait headlines and reality TV. You're welcome, 21st century. Fact: Major Smythe's journey from printer to publisher is a classic tale of upward mobility—proof that even back then, people loved a good story more than the truth.
• Headline: RUSSIAN DELEGATES HAILED IN ISTANBUL; City Is Adorned in Honor of the Republic's 10th Anniversary -- Wide Amnesty Granted.. Impact: The warm welcome of Russian delegates in Istanbul was a pivotal moment that set the stage for diplomatic relations, leading to future collaborations—or, you know, the Cold War. No biggie. Fact: Celebrating anniversaries with amnesty is a classic diplomatic move. It’s like saying, 'Happy birthday! Here’s a gift of freedom—just don’t use it to overthrow the government.'.
• Headline: BRITISH PLEA IGNORED BY POLICE OF BAVARIA; Consul Is Informed Only Berlin Can Permit Talk With Correspondent Held as Spy.. Impact: This incident of diplomatic snubbing created a rift, leading to a series of misunderstandings that would make any family gathering look like a diplomatic summit. Thanks, Bavaria!. Fact: Not talking to spies is a classic move. Who knew that ignoring pleas could lead to international drama? Just imagine the police saying, 'You think we care what the Brits say? They don’t even have good beer!'.
• Headline: MANAGED CURRENCY.; It Is Viewed as Inevitable if Capitalistic System Is to Survive.. Impact: The discussion around managed currency kicked off a series of economic experiments. Who knew that a few smart guys in suits would lead to inflation, recessions, and the rise of crypto? Thanks for that, capitalism!. Fact: Managed currency: because who doesn't love a little government meddling in their money? It's like saying, 'We trust you, but maybe not with actual cash.'.
• Headline: Mr. Rogers Finds the West Is Tax-Harried, Also. Impact: Mr. Rogers’ discovery of tax burdens in the West eventually led to the creation of tax shelters, loopholes, and a profound sense of confusion among the average taxpayer. Thanks for the heads up, Mr. Rogers!. Fact: If only Mr. Rogers had a neighborhood where he could teach tax code—imagine the catchy songs! 'It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, to hide your money away!'.
• Headline: MRS. FENWICK PLANS TO BE MARRIED NOV. 2; Granddaughter of Late Counsel to J. Pierpont Morgan Will Be Wed to R. A. Knight.. Impact: Mrs. Fenwick’s upcoming marriage will unite two prominent families, leading to a lineage of power couples that could either save or doom the economy—depending on how they handle their hedge funds. Fact: Weddings in high society back then were like mergers and acquisitions—except the only thing getting acquired was a lifetime of marital bliss—or a lifetime of awkward family gatherings.
• Headline: TWO DIVIDEND INCREASES.; Pittsburgh Plate Glass and Boss Manufacturing Lift Rates.. Impact: This dividend increase sent stock prices soaring, causing a brief period of wealth for shareholders until they realized that their 'wealth' was just paper and a lot of hot air—much like modern-day influencer culture. Fact: Dividend increases are the financial equivalent of a pat on the back—'Good job, here’s a little more money for you to worry about!'.
• Headline: NO AID FROM SMITH, TAMMANY LEARNS; Friends Say He Will Keep Aloof From All Factions -- McCooey Still Hopeful.. Impact: Smith’s refusal to engage with Tamany factions might have inadvertently influenced political isolationism, setting a precedent that would result in politicians avoiding accountability for decades. Bravo!. Fact: When politicians go aloof, it usually means they’re busy finding new ways to dodge responsibility—like a cat avoiding a bath. Can't blame them, really.