OCTOBER 18, 1933

Full News Archive

• Headline: Crater Estate Valuation and Debt Payment. Impact: If only the widow had paid off those debts sooner, perhaps the Crater estate would have been the next big tourist attraction. Imagine a theme park dedicated to financial woes and family squabbles!. Fact: Debt is just like a bad haircut; it lingers longer than you'd like and occasionally resurfaces in awkward conversations..
• Headline: Daladier Defends France Against Hitler. Impact: Daladier's emphasis on defense probably led to an uptick in French beret sales. You know, because nothing says 'we're ready for war' like high fashion.. Fact: Daladier's speeches were so powerful they could make a baguette feel like a weapon of mass destruction..
• Headline: Cabinet to Broadcast NRA Achievements; Review Designed to Convince the Doubters. Impact: The cabinet's radio broadcast initiative may have unintentionally led to the invention of the podcast. If only they knew they were just one step away from an entire industry of 'true crime' stories.. Fact: Listening to political achievements on the radio is like watching paint dry, but with more background noise and less satisfaction..
• Headline: BEER SALE FALLS IN STATE; Beverage Tax Brings in $2,557,690 Since April 1.. Impact: The drop in beer sales might have caused a spike in the number of sad karaoke nights across the state. Because when people can't drink, they sing about their feelings.. Fact: Beer tax receipts were so high that one could almost afford a therapist for all those 'I lost my beer money' crises..
• Headline: CHILD HEALTH WORK URGED FOR NURSES; Dr. Parran Addresses Three State Groups in Session at Rochester.. Impact: Dr. Parran's push for child health could have inadvertently led to the rise of health food crazes, culminating in kale smoothies and quinoa obsession. Thanks, Dr. Parran!. Fact: Child health advocacy is like trying to teach a cat to fetch—noble in intention, but often met with resistance and disdain..
• Headline: RENAUD, BARITONE, DIES IN PARIS AT 71; Star in Hammerstein Troupe Brought a Vital Histrionic Art to Opera Stage.. Impact: Renaud's passing likely sent shockwaves through the opera community, prompting an uptick in dramatic sobbing and the invention of the 'sad aria.'. Fact: They say opera is just a soap opera set to music—so Renaud's legacy lives on in both melodrama and dramatic exits..
• Headline: Daladier Addresses Deputies.; PREMIER STRESSES FRENCH DEFENSES. Impact: Daladier's speech to deputies probably led to a collective eye-roll that echoed through the years, inspiring future politicians to master the art of saying nothing while sounding important.. Fact: When politicians say 'defense,' the rest of us hear 'endless debates about budgets'—the real sport of politics..
• Headline: WOMAN OUT FOR CONGRESS; Mrs. Bryant of Vermont Seeks Place Resigned by Gibson.. Impact: Mrs. Bryant's congressional bid could have started a chain reaction of women entering politics, leading to the term 'woman in charge' finally being taken seriously—well, eventually.. Fact: Running for Congress is a lot like a game of Monopoly; you just hope you don't land on Boardwalk when you can't pay rent..
• Headline: VOTE BOARD DELAYS MACHINE RULING; Final Abandonment of Paper Pallet Plan Now Set for Meeting Tomorrow.. Impact: Delaying the ruling on the vote board likely led to a series of procrastination workshops, proving that bureaucracy can be the best teacher of 'let's put this off until tomorrow.'. Fact: Vote board delays are the adult equivalent of a child's 'five more minutes' when asked to clean their room—time is irrelevant!.