OCTOBER 17, 1933

Full News Archive

• Headline: Voting Machines Approved for Use. Impact: The approval of voting machines led to a future where citizens would argue over their reliability, ultimately causing the rise of conspiracy theorists who believe the machines are controlled by aliens. Yes, you heard that right.. Fact: Did you know that the first voting machine was created in 1868? Even back then, people were trying to find ways to make voting less tedious—like spending time with their families instead!.
• Headline: Savings Banks Debate Insurance Cooperation. Impact: If only banks had embraced the insurance plan, this might have led to a world where financial literacy was a priority, preventing the 2008 financial crisis. But hey, who needs foresight when you have 'business as usual'?. Fact: Fun fact: the only thing cooler than savings banks being undecided is watching paint dry. Spoiler: both take an eternity..
• Headline: Swanson's Navy Peace Assurance Unveiled. Impact: Swanson’s belief that a big navy guarantees peace somehow led to a future where countries built larger and larger navies, creating a competition that could only be resolved by a massive game of Battleship. Spoiler: they still lost.. Fact: Did you know that the Navy has been around since ancient times? But claiming that a big navy guarantees peace is like saying that a big dog guarantees a quiet house. Good luck with that!.
• Headline: 600 FORD WORKERS STONED BY PICKETS; Rioting Marks Egress From Re-opened Chester (Pa.) Plant and 3 Arrests Are Made.. Impact: The stoning incident sparked a wave of labor movements that shaped the future of worker rights, leading to a world where workers finally learned that throwing rocks is less effective than negotiating. Who knew?. Fact: Labor disputes often escalate, but stoning? That's next-level commitment to ineffective protest tactics. Maybe try a bake sale next time?.
• Headline: MAJORCA TRIAL THIS WEEK.; Five Americans, Jailed Last June, Likely to Get Nominal Sentences.. Impact: The trial of these five Americans sparked an era of questionable vacation choices, leading to the creation of the phrase, 'What happens in Majorca stays in Majorca,' which no one could actually enforce.. Fact: Did you know that Majorca is a popular tourist destination? But after this trial, it might have been better known as a 'how not to vacation' guide..
• Headline: Leticia Delegates at Rio.. Impact: The gathering of delegates eventually led to future conferences that had more slogans than actual resolutions, resulting in a tradition of meeting for meetings’ sake. Welcome to the bureaucracy, folks!. Fact: Leticia is a city known for its biodiversity. Unfortunately, the delegates probably didn’t notice, as they were too busy discussing what to discuss next..
• Headline: WEDELL SETS NEW RECORD; Flies From Roosevelt Field to Cincinnati in 2:40.. Impact: Wedell's record-breaking flight inspired a generation of pilots, leading to a future where everyone thought they could fly. Spoiler: they couldn’t, and air travel became a chaotic free-for-all.. Fact: Did you know that flying from New York to Cincinnati in 2:40 sounds impressive until you realize that it’s roughly the same time it takes to binge-watch an entire season of a mediocre sitcom?.
• Headline: JAPAN TO GIVE UP GREAT WALL GATES; Will Even Return the City of Shanhaikwan, Taking Army Out of North China.. Impact: Japan's decision to relinquish control led to a series of territorial disputes that would haunt international relations for decades. Who knew giving things back could cause so much drama?. Fact: The Great Wall of China is so long it can be seen from space. But returning gates? That’s like sending your neighbor their lawnmower back after three years!.
• Headline: TWO OF VARGAS KIN SLAIN IN ARGENTINA; Nephews of Brazil's President Killed After an Alleged Attack on Border Patrol.. Impact: The tragic deaths escalated tensions between Brazil and Argentina, leading to future diplomatic negotiations that could have been solved with a simple barbecue and a 'let’s talk it out' approach.. Fact: Tensions in South America are as old as the hills, proving that sometimes, family feuds can have international consequences. Who knew family reunions could be so explosive?.