OCTOBER 12, 1933

Full News Archive

• Headline: Textile Agreement at Simla. Impact: The textile agreement sparked a chain reaction where fashionistas mistakenly believed they could manipulate fabric like currency, leading to the infamous 'Sartorial Stock Market Crash' of 1938.. Fact: The only thing worse than Japanese woolen goods was the British idea of woolen swimsuits. Spoiler alert: they didn’t catch on..
• Headline: Jobless Seamen Protest in NYC. Impact: The protest against the German Line led to an underground movement among seamen to form a 'No More Brick Through the Window' Club, which ironically led to a series of brick-laying workshops that transformed the city's infrastructure.. Fact: The 'brick hurling' technique has since been adapted into modern protest tactics, but now they just use memes instead..
• Headline: DarulauSmith.. Impact: This engagement led to a series of matchmaking services springing up across the country, eventually leading to the creation of reality TV dating shows that we know and love (or hate) today.. Fact: In a parallel universe, Darulau and O B Darula are the ultimate power couple, running a successful chain of artisanal cheese shops..
• Headline: HERRIOT OUT OF DANGER.; French Ex-Premier's Doctors Discontinue Bulletins.. Impact: Herriott’s recovery sparked a national debate on the health benefits of dodging bullets, inadvertently leading to the invention of the 'Duck and Cover' drill decades later.. Fact: Doctors noted that Herriott’s condition improved significantly once he stopped reading the news..
• Headline: OFFICIALS CHANGED BY SHELL UNION OIL; Van der Woude Made President and Van Eck Head of New Executive Committee. CENTRAL CONTROL SOUGHT W.P. Durkee Jr. and C.H. Van Senden Vice Presidents Under the Plan.. Impact: The reshuffling of Shell Union Oil's officials resulted in an all-out turf war within the corporate world that led to the infamous 'Merger Madness' of the 1950s, turning boardrooms into gladiatorial arenas.. Fact: For every executive position filled, there was a corresponding increase in the number of coffee mugs with 'World's Best Boss' printed on them..
• Headline: TROTH IS ANNOUNCED OF SELWA BADENHOP; New Jersey Girl's Engagement to F. J. Welton Made Known at Luncheon.. Impact: Selwa Badenhop’s engagement led to a flurry of wedding planning services, which unfortunately paved the way for the era of overpriced wedding cakes and inescapable Pinterest boards.. Fact: Rumor has it that the cake was so extravagant it had its own Instagram account before it was even sliced..
• Headline: AIDES SEE CURRY; REVOLT IS DENIED; District Leaders Call at Hall -- Chief Says He Is Sure of Their Loyalty. MAYOR OPPOSES PAY CUT Assures Teachers He Will Fight Any School Slash -- Kaplan Discounts Straw Votes.. Impact: The mayor's opposition to pay cuts inadvertently fueled a new era of grassroots political movements, eventually giving birth to the phrase 'Vote for the one who promises cake!'. Fact: Kaplan’s discounting of straw votes led to the current state of affairs where all votes are questionable, but at least they come with a side of sarcasm..