OCTOBER 7, 1933

Full News Archive

• Headline: Performance of Gore's Hell Stopped. Impact: This halted political comedy led to an unexpected surge in serious political dramas, eventually resulting in the world’s first 'serious political satire' genre. The satirists of the future were forever grateful for the confusion.. Fact: Did you know that political comedy is just politics in disguise? It’s like putting a clown nose on a tax audit..
• Headline: ClifforduAndrews Marries L R Andrews. Impact: The union of Cliffordu and L R Andrews sparked a naming revolution, leading to a 20% increase in hyphenated names across the nation. Society has never been the same since.. Fact: Did you know that hyphenated names are just an elaborate way of saying 'I have commitment issues'?.
• Headline: Instruction for Voters.. Impact: The call for more voter instructions set off a chain reaction leading to the creation of the first ever 'How to Vote' YouTube tutorial, which inadvertently made cats more popular than politics.. Fact: Did you know that most voters believe 'instruction' is a fancy word for 'confusion'? Spoiler alert: they’re right..
• Headline: MISS GLUTTING VICTOR.; Cards 83 for Best Gross in Golf Tourney at Essex Fells.. Impact: Miss Glutting's victory inspired a wave of competitive eating tournaments disguised as golf events, resulting in the rise of the 'golf-eat' phenomenon. Think swinging clubs while chowing down on hot dogs.. Fact: Did you know that golf is just an excuse for rich people to walk around and eat snacks while pretending to care about their scores?.
• Headline: MISS STORM IS IED TO T. M. BROWS JR.; Dr. D. B. Aldrich Officiates at Brilliant Ceremony in Ascension Church. BRIDE HAS 5 ATTENDANTS Dr. D. N. Brown Is Best Man for His BrotheruReception at Her Mother's Home.. Impact: The marriage of Miss Storm and T. M. Brows Jr. led to a dramatic increase in storm-themed weddings, influencing countless couples to risk their sanity for the perfect 'hurricane' wedding cake.. Fact: Did you know that wedding planning is just a fancy way to say 'let’s make a huge mess and spend a fortune on one day'?.
• Headline: GOOD-WILL TALKS TODAY.; Business Men of United States and Canada to Meet.. Impact: These talks initiated the longest running debate on who has better bacon, which eventually led to the creation of a bacon-themed holiday celebrated by both nations. Truly a diplomatic triumph.. Fact: Did you know that 'good-will talks' are just business jargon for 'let’s pretend we like each other while we negotiate?'.
• Headline: Zest for Grueling Battle Marks 1933 Football Squad at Syracuse; Coach Hanson and Other Observers Regard Team as Best in Years -- New Execution of Spinner in the Repertoire -- Nine Juniors Hold Berths on Varsity Eleven.. Impact: The Syracuse football team's enthusiasm inspired a generation of athletes to take the field with 'zest', leading to an alarming rise in the amount of questionable sports drinks and slogans like 'Win with Zest!'. Fact: Did you know that zest is just a fancy way of saying 'I’m really trying hard not to get tackled'?.