JULY 31, 1933

Full News Archive

• Headline: Niebuhr Defends Religion's Reality. Impact: Prof. Niebuhr's denial of religion's unreality sparked a chain reaction that led to a surge in coffee shop debates and an increase in hipster barista philosophy. Somewhere in Brooklyn, a bearded man named Chad is still trying to explain the meaning of life through overpriced lattes.. Fact: Did you know that denying the unreality of religion can lead to existential crises? Bring on the kale smoothies!.
• Headline: Support for Aging Workers in 1933. Impact: The decision to keep old workers employed set off a butterfly effect that resulted in a nationwide 'I can do this job from my couch' movement, leading to the creation of pajama pants as business casual attire.. Fact: Surprise! Companies apparently discovered that older workers might have wisdom to share—who knew experience could be more valuable than a fresh-out-of-college intern?.
• Headline: BOAT ENDANGERS BATHERS; Runaway Outboard Crashes Into Piling on the Severn.. Impact: The runaway outboard incident resulted in a new trend in public service announcements warning against the dangers of watercraft, which oddly enough made everyone more excited about boating safety than ever before.. Fact: Did you know that 'runaway outboard' is not a new dance move? But if it were, it would definitely be the most dangerous one on the floor!.
• Headline: Princeton Graduates Killed in Auto Crash; Stepson of E.H.H. Simmons Is One of Victims. Impact: The tragic auto crash of Princeton graduates set off a wave of introspection among college students, leading to a dramatic increase in the number of students opting for bicycle safety courses instead of late-night driving.. Fact: It's a little-known fact that auto crashes prompt more 'life is short' quotes than any reality TV show ever could. Stay safe out there!.
• Headline: WOODIN SEES MATCHES.; Country Off Gold Standard, He Jests at Presenting Gold Cup.. Impact: Woodin's jest about the gold standard caused a ripple effect that would eventually lead to a worldwide obsession with shiny objects, resulting in a now-unexplainable fascination with gold-plated everything.. Fact: Joking about the gold standard? Classic! What's next, a roast about the value of cryptocurrencies? Oh wait, that's already happening..
• Headline: Article 7 -- No Title. Impact: Article 7's fluctuation chart would later inspire countless financial analysts to create PowerPoint presentations that nobody wanted to attend, thus solidifying the stereotype of boring office meetings for decades.. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more volatile than currency exchange rates? A room full of economists trying to agree on lunch!.
• Headline: Alta J. Bassett to Wed Aua. 12.. Impact: Alta J. Bassett's upcoming wedding caused a surge in wedding planning Pinterest boards, leading to the rise of the DIY trend that would haunt us all with endless mason jar centerpieces.. Fact: Did you know that wedding announcements are like social media's version of 'look at me, I'm responsible!'? Spoiler alert: They usually end with a lot of cake..
• Headline: Sherry of 1841 Found in Wendel Cellar; Demijohn of Water in Stock of Old Rye. Impact: The discovery of Sherry from 1841 in a cellar led to a resurgence in vintage wine appreciation, inspiring hipsters everywhere to scour attics with the fervor of treasure hunters.. Fact: Sherry from 1841? That’s not just wine; that’s a liquid time capsule! Taste it and you might just experience a mid-19th-century existential crisis..