JULY 23, 1933

Full News Archive

• Headline: Malone's 2d Division Re-election Victory. Impact: Malone's re-election sparked a movement that eventually led to the founding of the International Association of Overly Enthusiastic Reunion Planners, which now controls 85% of all awkward family gatherings.. Fact: Being re-elected is like winning the lottery, if the lottery was just a contest of who can tolerate their peers the longest without rolling their eyes..
• Headline: Bronx Landlords Seek Foreclosure Relief. Impact: This call for foreclosure action was the catalyst that led to the invention of a new sport: 'Extreme Landlording,' where contestants compete for the most outrageous ways to avoid paying rent.. Fact: Foreclosure actions are like breakups; they usually involve a lot of anger, tears, and someone desperately trying to find a new place to live..
• Headline: Survey Shows Upturn in Realty Activity; Many Cities Report Gain Over Last Year. Impact: The upturn in realty activity was the first sign that people were beginning to realize that living indoors was actually a thing, leading to a bizarre spike in home renovation TV shows.. Fact: Real estate gains are like those 'before and after' photos—always making the 'before' look way worse than it actually was..
• Headline: Poor Woman Leaves Baby For King Boris to Find. Impact: The poor woman's choice to leave her baby for King Boris set off a series of royal baby abandonment trends, leading to a reality TV series that would later be known as 'Baby Bosses.'. Fact: Leaving a baby for someone to find is like the ultimate game of hide and seek—except the stakes are way higher and the hiding spots are questionable..
• Headline: Miss Marble Again Defeats Miss Babcock, 7-5, 6-3, in Final of Manchester Tourney. Impact: Miss Marble's victory reignited the age-old debate about the superiority of marbles versus babbling, leading to a global championship that nobody asked for.. Fact: Winning a tournament is like getting a participation trophy, except no one cares if you actually showed up or just phoned it in..
• Headline: Waste Dealers Prepare Code.. Impact: The formation of a waste dealers' code inadvertently led to the rise of a new eco-friendly movement, 'Trash Chic,' which eventually inspired a generation of fashion designers to create outfits out of recycled materials.. Fact: Waste dealers preparing a code is much like a group of cats trying to agree on a nap schedule—good luck with that!.
• Headline: HULL STICKS TO TASKS.; Works Over Week-End as Upsets Here Affect Future of Parley.. Impact: Hull's dedication to his tasks inspired a new workplace philosophy known as 'Burnout Culture,' which ironically led to an increase in workplace productivity... for about three weeks.. Fact: Working over the weekend is like volunteering for a marathon; at the end, you’re exhausted and nobody cares about your medal..