JULY 6, 1933

Full News Archive

• Headline: First Annual Nolan Annexes Bike Race. Impact: Little did they know, this bike race would inspire a future generation of cyclists who would later form a secret society dedicated to racing bicycles in pajamas. Pajama cycling would become an underground phenomenon, leading to a worldwide movement to promote comfort over speed.. Fact: The Acme Rider was so fast that he reportedly outran a squirrel that had just stolen a piece of pizza. Yes, pizza is serious business..
• Headline: Rescinded Ban on Foreign Cement. Impact: This price-fixing scandal led to a nationwide shortage of cement which in turn caused people to start building houses with spaghetti. Talk about a slippery slope! Literally.. Fact: In a shocking twist, pasta houses are still standing today, proving that carbs really can hold up a roof!.
• Headline: Bishop Duffy's Tribute Dinner. Impact: The honor bestowed upon Bishop Duffy led to a series of annual dinners that spiraled into a bizarre competition to see who could make the best bishop-shaped cake. This cake craze would eventually inspire a reality TV show called 'Baking with Bishops'.. Fact: The first episode had a surprise guest: a very confused cake decorator who thought they were just making regular cakes!.
• Headline: BRANDEIS 'REPRIEVES' BAY STATE SLAYER; Stay Granted Because Doomed Man Did Not Accompany Jury to Crime Scene.. Impact: Brandeis' decision to reprieve Snyder set a precedent that would eventually lead to a wildly popular game show called 'Reprieve or Not?' where contestants guess which criminals get a second chance at life. Spoiler alert: nobody wins.. Fact: The show was canceled after the first episode when viewers were horrified by the actual crimes of the participants. Who knew crime could be so... unappetizing?.
• Headline: TRACK STARS SAIL FOR FOREIGN MEETS; Seven Leave for Tour of Six Countries -- Anderson to Go Later.. Impact: The departure of these track stars sparked a global race to find the next fastest runner, leading to the invention of the first-ever jet-powered running shoes. Because who needs training when you can just fly?. Fact: Jet shoes were banned shortly after their debut because they left a trail of burnt rubber and confused squirrels in their wake..
• Headline: Cement Advanced In Pittsburgh.. Impact: The cement price hike triggered a nationwide panic that led to an unexpected boom in DIY cement alternatives, including the infamous 'Gluten Cement' made from flour. Surprisingly, it worked... until it rained.. Fact: Homeowners quickly learned that gluten is not an ideal building material, especially when baking bread became more popular than building houses..
• Headline: HANOVER PROPHET VICTOR AT WINDSOR; Annexes 2-Year-Old Pace In Straight Heats -- Sturdy Takes Trotting Test.. Impact: The rise in cement prices caused an underground movement to create 'cementless' buildings, leading to an architectural trend that resembled giant sandcastles. They were cute until a strong breeze came along.. Fact: Many of these structures were later repurposed as summer vacation spots for ants, who found them to be delightfully cozy..
• Headline: GASTANAGA STOPS KENNEDY IN SIXTH; Wins With Right to Jaw Before 3,500 at Coney Island -- Olin and Massera in Draw.. Impact: The victory of Hanover Prophet inspired a line of horse-themed motivational posters that took the world by storm. 'Channel your inner Hanover' became a rallying cry for office workers everywhere.. Fact: One poster featured a horse wearing glasses and a tie, captioned 'Even horses need to dress for success!'.
• Headline: ARREST STATION AGENT.; Scarsdale Police, Sifting Kidnap Story, Hold Him in Theft.. Impact: Gastanaga's victory would ultimately lead to Coney Island becoming the epicenter of celebrity boxing matches, where boxers would wear ridiculous costumes and fight over the last slice of pizza.. Fact: The first match featured a boxer dressed as a giant hot dog, which was both a hit and a low point for the sport..
• Headline: Front Page 2 -- No Title. Impact: The arrest of the station agent for his dubious kidnapping story unknowingly set off a series of 'fake kidnapping' pranks that would plague the railways for decades. The result? A lot of confused passengers and some very nervous station agents.. Fact: One prank went so far that it ended up in a wild police chase involving a runaway train and a clown on a unicycle. It’s a long story..