JUNE 20, 1933

Full News Archive

• Headline: Death of Archbishop Apollinary. Impact: The death of Apollinary triggered a theological debate that eventually led to the invention of the 'Holy Coffee'—a blend so divine that it is said to inspire instant enlightenment. Fact: The Orthodox Church has a rich history, but let’s be honest, who doesn’t enjoy a good church scandal? It’s like reality TV for historians!.
• Headline: Williams College Honors Justice Roberts. Impact: Justice Roberts’ honorary degree led to a chain reaction of other judges wanting recognition, resulting in the yearly ‘Supreme Court Judge Appreciation Month’—a month filled with awkward selfies and cake. Fact: Honorary degrees are often given to people who didn’t do any actual work for them. It’s like saying, 'Hey, you exist, here’s a diploma!'.
• Headline: CHOATE CLASS TO HEAR DR. R.L. FORMAN TODAY; Diplomas Will Be Presented to 139 Graduates -- Six Win Annual Prizes.. Impact: The graduation ceremony sparked a nationwide trend of increasingly elaborate commencement speeches, where speakers compete for who can make the audience yawn the most. Fact: Commencement speeches are the only speeches where the audience is secretly planning their escape route while pretending to care.
• Headline: CAPT. A. V. ELIOT WEDS LUCY V. MONKHOUSE; I Army Officer, Formerly of New York, Takes a Texas Girl as His Bride.'. Impact: Captain Eliot’s marriage led to a royal wave of military weddings, inspiring an entire generation of soldiers to form 'Military Matrimony' clubs—where they discuss how to balance love and combat. Fact: Marriage can be tough, especially when one partner is trained to survive in the wild and the other just survived a family dinner.
• Headline: On Produce Exchange List.. Impact: The Produce Exchange List sparked an underground movement of fruit enthusiasts who believed they could create the world's first fruit-fueled car—unfortunately, it just ended up as a very sticky mess. Fact: The Produce Exchange is where all the cool fruits hang out while the veggies are left sulking in the fridge.
• Headline: 166 CITY PLAY SITES URGED BY POLICE; Crime Prevention Bureau Would Create 109 of These in Manhattan and the Bronx. MISS ADDITON CITES NEED Deputy Commissioner Commends Drive of Citizens' Group for 350 Recreation Areas.. Impact: The plan for more play sites inadvertently led to a spike in the popularity of hide-and-seek, taking urban children on a journey that would eventually cause more lost kids than ever before. Fact: Creating more playgrounds as a crime prevention method is like saying, 'Let’s distract them with swings while we ignore the real issues.'.
• Headline: Cross Praises Newspapers.. Impact: Cross’ praise of newspapers resulted in a temporary spike in newspaper subscriptions, leading to a resurgence of ink-stained fingers—an unfortunate side effect of nostalgia. Fact: Newspapers are the original social media, but instead of likes, they provided guilt and shame for not reading them.
• Headline: TO FIGHT UTILITY RATES.; Committee of Mayors Named to Act Through State Conference.. Impact: The formation of the utility rates committee led to a series of poorly planned town hall meetings where mayors tried to outdo each other in the art of complaining about bills. Fact: Utility bills are the adult version of a school report card—nobody wants to see it, but it’s inevitable!.