JUNE 19, 1933

Full News Archive

• Headline: Gold Earmarking and Exchange Equalization. Impact: The exchange equalization fund's gains spurred a secret society of money dealers who now control the world's currency through a network of underground poker games. You thought the stock market was volatile? Wait until you see what happens after this meeting.. Fact: Did you know? If only people knew that earmarking gold in the U.S. was just a fancy way of saying 'let's play Monopoly with real money!'.
• Headline: World Fellowship of Faiths Opening Ceremony. Impact: This event inspired the first interfaith bake-off, leading to an unprecedented rise in baked goods and a subsequent global flour shortage. Who knew spirituality could be so delicious?. Fact: Did you know? The only thing that brings people together more than religion is a good slice of cake. Just ask the bakers!.
• Headline: MOORE VISITS CAMP.; Jersey Governor Reviews Marine Corps Reserve at Sea Girt.. Impact: The governor's visit set off a chain reaction of military-themed birthday parties across the state, resulting in an influx of camouflage cake and miniature tanks. The military-industrial complex now has a side gig in party supplies.. Fact: Did you know? Reviewing military camps is just another way to check off 'get out of office' on a politician's to-do list. Who knew governance could be so glamorous?.
• Headline: 5 GET OBERLAENDER GRANT; Prof. H. L. Frless and Dr. W. W. Peter In Group to Study Abroad.. Impact: The grant recipients went on to invent the concept of 'study abroad' as a way to avoid actual work, leading to a worldwide trend of students lounging in cafes instead of hitting the books. Thanks, Oberlaender!. Fact: Did you know? The only thing more expensive than studying abroad is not studying abroad. It's all about perspective!.
• Headline: S. /. BERRY JR. TO WED MISS HELEN KELLEY; Engagement of Syracuse Girl to Resident of This City Is Made Known.. Impact: This engagement sparked a nationwide trend of extravagant wedding proposals, and thus began the age of public displays of affection that will haunt us with endless Instagram posts for generations to come.. Fact: Did you know? Weddings are the only events where people spend a fortune to get a bunch of relatives together to argue about seating arrangements and cake flavors..
• Headline: READING AUTO RACE CAPTURED BY WINN; Irinrnphs in 20-Mile Sweepstakes-Concannon Taken to Hospital After Crash,. Impact: The thrilling auto race incident inspired a generation of adrenaline junkies to take up racing, leading to an influx of car insurance advertisements that made watching TV a blood sport. Who needs reality shows when you have actual crashes?. Fact: Did you know? Auto racing is the only sport where the real winner is the insurance company. They just love when you go full throttle!.
• Headline: NOT ALL MEN SONS Of GOD; If They Were There Could Be No War, Rev. C.G. Brownville Holds.. Impact: This profound statement led to a global movement of peace talks that somehow turned into more debates than actual resolutions. The irony of discussing peace while arguing about it lives on.. Fact: Did you know? If peace were as easy as preaching, we’d be living in a utopia where everyone shares their snacks and hugs it out every day!.