JUNE 8, 1933

Full News Archive

• Headline: Hawaii Law Bill Passed by House. Impact: This bill paved the way for future governors to be appointed from places far and wide, leading to an eventual trend of celebrities and non-experts taking political positions. Who knew the governorship would become the new hot job for influencers?. Fact: Fun fact: If only the President had appointed a cat as governor instead, Hawaii might have experienced a dramatic rise in tourism — everyone loves cats!.
• Headline: Sir Josiah Stamp's Inspiring Graduation Speech. Impact: Sir Josiah’s speech about moral values sparked a nationwide obsession with character ethics, eventually leading to the Great Moral Reboot of 2030, where everyone suddenly decided to become nice for a week. Spoiler alert: it didn't last.. Fact: Did you know that 'Sir' is just a fancy way of saying 'I’m definitely not a regular guy, but I have a lot of opinions about character'?.
• Headline: Rackliffe and Dur Win Harvard Awards. Impact: The success of Rackliffe and Dur inspired future generations to seek validation through awards, ultimately leading to the current trend of participation trophies. Thanks, Harvard, for making mediocrity so appealing!. Fact: Did you know that winning prizes at Harvard is like winning at Monopoly? Everyone's just trying to avoid bankruptcy while pretending to care about character!.
• Headline: BARNARD REUNION DRAWS 500 ALUMNAE; Miss Helen Erskine Re-elecled President of Association -- $10,750 Given to School.. Impact: The 500 alumnae who showed up for this reunion inadvertently spawned a series of annual gatherings that made 'reunion' the most dreaded word in the English language, except for maybe 'homework'.. Fact: Fun fact: They say that the secret to a successful reunion is to talk about how great you all looked 40 years ago, because apparently, aging is a competition now..
• Headline: CONCERTS IN PARKS BEGUN BY JOBLESS; 375 to Play in Bands Paid by State for Series to Provide Recreation for Public.. Impact: These concerts funded by the State Relief Administration created a blueprint for future government-funded events, leading to the rise of bizarre public performances — think interpretive dance in the middle of the subway.. Fact: Did you know that the real reason for these concerts was to distract people from the fact that they were jobless? Music really does soothe the savage beast — or at least the empty bank account..
• Headline: DENIES LINK IN ATTACK.; Whitney warren's Representative Testifies on Balustrade Smashing.. Impact: The denial of a link in the balustrade smashing case set a legal precedent for future 'nothing to see here' moments in history, paving the way for politicians and celebrities to dodge accountability like Olympic athletes.. Fact: Fun fact: If only they had blamed it on a rogue raccoon, the whole thing would have made for a much more entertaining headline..
• Headline: PROF. KOEHLER ARRIVES.; Head of Berlin Institute on Way to Chicago Meeting.. Impact: Professor Koehler's arrival in Chicago heralded the beginning of a massive academic migration, leading to an explosion of scholarly debates that could only be rivaled by a hotdog eating contest in the Windy City.. Fact: Did you know that the journey of a scholar is often more perilous than that of a hero in a medieval epic? Especially if they forgot their reading glasses!.
• Headline: WASHINGTON PLEASED BY WELLES IN CUBA; Reports There of Dissatisfaction With Envoy Are Branded as Untrue.. Impact: Welles’ supposed popularity in Cuba only fueled diplomatic drama, eventually leading to future ambassadors needing social media training to avoid misunderstandings. Who knew diplomacy could be so complicated?. Fact: Fun fact: Cuba’s dissatisfaction with Welles was a lot like someone not liking pineapple on pizza — it’s a hot topic, but no one really knows how to solve it..
• Headline: VASSAR STUDENTS LISTED FOR AWARDS; Thirty-five Are Elected to Phi Beta Kappa and Fellows Are Appointed. FOUR WILL STUDY ABROAD Faculty Changes Are Announced -- Economic Problems to Be Dis- cussed at Forum Next Week.. Impact: The Phi Beta Kappa elections at Vassar inspired other institutions to create their own awards, leading to an avalanche of honor societies, because nothing says 'intelligence' like a fancy Latin name.. Fact: Did you know that Phi Beta Kappa is basically the academic version of a VIP club? You know, where everyone pretends to be best friends but really only shows up for the free snacks?.
• Headline: Chilean Banker Honored Here.. Impact: Honoring a Chilean banker in the U.S. led to a surge of international luncheons, ultimately resulting in 'business casual' becoming a universal dress code. Thank you, bankers, for ruining our chances of ever dressing up again.. Fact: Fun fact: The real reason bankers get honored is so they can throw lavish luncheons and temporarily forget about the stock market downturn — it’s like therapy, but with more hors d'oeuvres..