JUNE 3, 1933

Full News Archive

• Headline: Celebrating 25 Years of Georgian Court. Impact: The graduation of these 31 individuals somehow led to a secret society of overachieving alumni who have been subtly influencing the world with their superior intellect ever since. By the year 3000, they will control half of the world's coffee supply. Coincidence? I think not.. Fact: Graduates are basically just people who paid a lot of money to prove they can sit through hours of lectures without falling asleep..
• Headline: Long Island Railroad Conditions Disputed. Impact: The Long Island Railroad's denial set off a series of events that eventually led to the invention of the phrase 'it’s not you, it’s me' in the transportation sector, giving a whole new meaning to customer service.. Fact: If you think the train delays are bad now, just wait until time travel becomes a thing! Spoiler alert: it still won't be on time..
• Headline: NEW EQUITY CURB ON ALIEN ACTORS; Rule Calling for Citizenship to Qualify Them for Resident Membership Adopted. SUNDAY SHOW PLEA FAILS Association Rejects Atlantic City Proposal to Exchange Week Day for Sabbath Performance.. Impact: This decision sparked a mass exodus of alien actors to Canada, resulting in a boom in the Canadian film industry. Little did they know, they were just a few decades away from being part of the 'great maple syrup heist.'. Fact: Becoming a U.S. citizen is just a fancy way of saying, 'Congratulations, you can now pay taxes on top of your dreams!'.
• Headline: Chatelaine Wins Historic Oaks at Epsom; Solfatara Second, Singer's Fur Tor Third. Impact: Chatelaine's win at the Oaks not only secured her place in racing history but also triggered a bizarre trend where horses started to receive celebrity endorsements. By the 2040s, you'll see horses selling organic kale on Instagram.. Fact: Queen Mary attended the event, likely pondering the best way to turn horse racing into a royal sport that would distract from the actual government affairs..
• Headline: Lower West Side Health Is Worst in City Outside Harlem, Welfare Leaders Are Told. Impact: The shocking health report on the lower West Side led to a grassroots movement that eventually resulted in the invention of the kale smoothie. Ironically, it didn't do much for health, but it did wonders for hipsters.. Fact: Survey results are just fancy statistics that tell you what you already secretly knew but didn’t want to admit in polite company..
• Headline: LICENSING POWER KILLED; The Finance Committee Adopts Motion Made by McAdoo, 12 to 7. OIL CONTROL REJECTED Embargo Authority on Imports, Anathema to the Presi- dent, Is Voted In. SENATE CONTROL SOUGHT Bailey, Byrd, Clark, Connally, Gore and King Also Desert the Administration. NEW INDUSTRY TAX IS HARRISON PLAN. Impact: The Finance Committee's motions led to an underground network of oil barons and conspiracy theorists who believed they could control the weather with their embargo. Spoiler alert: they were wrong, but they did invent the world's first 'Climate Control Club.'. Fact: The term 'embargo' is just a polite way of saying 'we don’t want your stuff, so there!'.
• Headline: SHERWOOD CALLED HERE BY MEDALIE; Subpoena Is Served at East Orange and He Must Appear Before Grand Jury Monday. HE FACES ARREST AND JAIL Says He Doesn't Know Reason for Summons, but He May Be Questioned on Walker Tax. SHERWOOD CALLED HERE BY MEDALIE. Impact: Sherwood’s subpoena led to a secret meeting of all the people who had ever been subpoenaed. They formed a club called 'We Don't Know Why We're Here.' Their first rule? Never talk about it.. Fact: Being subpoenaed is just a fancy way of saying, 'Congratulations! You've been selected to participate in the government’s version of hide-and-seek.'.