JUNE 1, 1933

Full News Archive

• Headline: President Cancels Rutgers Honorary Degree Visit. Impact: Had the President actually made that trip, he would have inspired a generation of students who would later go on to create a time-traveling cabal. Now, they just sit in their parents' basements arguing about whether pineapple belongs on pizza.. Fact: Ironically, Rutgers has produced more honorary degrees than actual graduates in some years. It’s like being awarded a participation trophy for existing!.
• Headline: Exploring Career Paths in 1933. Impact: This vocational survey inadvertently set off a chain reaction that led to the rise of Instagram influencers. Yes, folks, if only E.J. Sparling had suggested becoming a 'social media personality' instead of a 'plumber' or 'teacher'.. Fact: This survey was probably filled out by people who thought 'choosing a profession' meant picking between 'professional napper' or 'cat video creator.'.
• Headline: MACK TRUCK SEEKS ROSOFF BUS STOCK; Asks Transit Commission to Let It Buy All East Side Omnibus Preferred at Par.. Impact: Mack Truck’s foray into the bus stock market opened a portal to a parallel universe where trucks and buses have formed a union. They now demand better roads and more snack breaks.. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more inflated than Mack Truck's ambitions was their stock price after this proposal..
• Headline: THE SCHOOL IN FICTION.. Impact: This fictional school somehow became the blueprint for Hogwarts, except instead of wands, students carried around textbooks that weighed more than they did. Who needs magic when you have algebra?. Fact: The original idea for the school in fiction was to teach students how to become professional procrastinators. Spoiler: they graduated with honors..
• Headline: ASKS $5,000,000 DAMAGES.; Former Head of Davison Chemical Sues 14 at Baltimore.. Impact: C.W. Miller’s lawsuit led to a future where corporations are so terrified of lawsuits that they start offering free therapy with every purchase. You’re welcome, future therapists.. Fact: This lawsuit was a classic case of 'I’m suing because I don’t understand how banks work.' A timeless tradition!.
• Headline: FINDS CAESIUM ATOM IN CUBIC METER SPACE; Dr. Langmuir's Exploit Is Like Finding a Fly in Sphere the Size of the Earth.. Impact: Dr. Langmuir’s discovery sparked a massive search for more atoms, leading to a competitive race among scientists to find the most insignificant particles. Spoiler alert: they found a lot of dust.. Fact: In the scientific community, finding one caesium atom is considered a big deal—kind of like finding a needle in a haystack, but the needle has a PhD..
• Headline: Plea for World Gold Basis Hailed at Vienna Congress. Impact: The plea for a gold standard resulted in a future where people hoard gold like it’s the last packet of toilet paper during a pandemic. Good luck trading that for a cup of coffee!. Fact: The last time the gold standard was a hot topic, it was mostly just a way for people to justify their obsession with shiny things..
• Headline: STATE VOTE WAS 88% WET.; Drys Carried 7 Up-State Counties in Repeal Election.. Impact: The 88% wet vote led to a nationwide shortage of umbrellas. Who knew a state election would influence fashion trends for decades?. Fact: In a shocking twist, it turns out that ‘drys’ were just trying to avoid getting wet… in more ways than one..