MAY 22, 1933

Full News Archive

• Headline: LeMay Retains Weight-Lifting Title. Impact: When Lemay lifted that weight, he unknowingly inspired a future generation of overly enthusiastic gym bros who would eventually invent protein shakes named after him, leading to the rise of Instagram fitness influencers. Thanks, Lemay.. Fact: Did you know that weightlifting wasn’t always considered a sport? At some point, it was just called ‘lifting heavy things for no reason.’.
• Headline: First Lady Attends Chapel Service. Impact: When that preacher claimed civilization hinged on the President, he triggered a chain reaction of political memes and conspiracy theories, leading to the establishment of a new branch of social commentary: ‘Civics and Sarcasm.’. Fact: Fun fact: If civilization truly hinged on the President, we’d probably have a lot of very wobbly civilizations!.
• Headline: Safeguarding Faith in Unreligious Times. Impact: Fosdick's call to action for the minority to safeguard faith inspired a secret society of hipsters who only drink fair-trade, organic, gluten-free, non-GMO coffee while discussing the meaning of life—because, you know, priorities.. Fact: Did you know that ‘unreligious’ is just a fancy term for ‘I can’t be bothered to attend church on Sundays’?.
• Headline: JACHELSKI FIRST IN WALK.; Retains National 5O,000-Meter Championship at Baltimore.. Impact: Jachelski's victory in the 50,000-meter walk set off a bizarre chain of events that ultimately led to the creation of competitive walking as a legitimate Olympic sport, proving that humans can make anything into a competition—even how slowly they can move.. Fact: Did you know that walking is just running for people who like to take their time? In other words, it’s the ‘slow food’ movement of athletics..
• Headline: BOYCOTT STAMPS ISSUED.; Jewish Veterans Begin Sending Out 10,000,000 a Week.. Impact: The issuance of boycott stamps led to the creation of the world’s first ‘anti-stamp’ collector who, ironically, would end up being a millionaire after selling his collection of 10,000,000 stamps to a confused collector in the future.. Fact: Did you know that stamps were originally used to send letters? Now they’re just a way to make sure you get a bill in the mail on time..
• Headline: SHOTS HALT JAILBREAKER.; Prisoner Turns Back After Trying to Swim From Welfare Island.. Impact: The jailbreaker’s failed escape attempt caused a ripple effect that led to the invention of the phrase ‘swimming with the fishes,’ which was later misinterpreted by mobsters as an invitation to a swimming pool party.. Fact: Did you know that Welfare Island is now called Roosevelt Island? Because, apparently, being a welfare island was just too on-the-nose..
• Headline: WOMEN TO VISIT CAMP.; 200 to Go With Miss Earhart to Salvation Army Institution.. Impact: Earhart’s trip to the camp inspired hundreds of future adventurers to brave the great outdoors, leading to the creation of a reality show called ‘Survivor: Salvation Army Edition,’ where contestants must navigate thrift store fashion choices.. Fact: Did you know Amelia Earhart was an aviator who disappeared? But at least she didn’t leave a ‘where are they now’ episode to ponder..
• Headline: REISNER ASKS VOTE TO KEEP DRY LAW; Doubts Success of Control, Fears Beer Will Awaken Appetite for Liquor. SAYS RICH FINANCE REPEAL Pastor Calls on Congregation to Help Defeat Change Until Dry Regions Are Protected.. Impact: Reisner's push to keep the dry law alive caused an ironic twist in history, where future generations would look back and think, ‘Why on earth did we ever think prohibition was a good idea?’ leading to a surge in craft breweries and wine tastings.. Fact: Did you know that Prohibition was like a big ‘no party’ sign? And we all know how that turned out—people still found ways to party, just in secret..
• Headline: TRAP FOR ARCTURUS SET UP AT HARVARD; Apparatus Will Catch Light From the Star to Open the Chicago World Fair.. Impact: The setup of the trap for Arcturus at Harvard was the moment academia decided to turn astronomy into a competitive sport, resulting in future astronomers debating who could make the best light-catching apparatus while wearing lab coats as capes.. Fact: Did you know that Harvard has a long history of scientific breakthroughs? Most of them involve a lot of sleepless nights and caffeine overdoses..