MAY 19, 1933

Full News Archive

• Headline: Court Orders Restoration of Bronx Curb Cuts. Impact: If the Bronx's curb-cutting permit hadn't been rescinded, we might have seen the rise of a New York where people could park their cars on the sidewalk without consequence, leading to a new era of curbside picnics and spontaneous block parties—because who needs zoning laws, right?. Fact: In a parallel universe, W J Flynn is hailed as the 'Curb King' and has a holiday named after him. Instead of Thanksgiving, we celebrate 'Flynn's Giving' with lots of curbside feasting.
• Headline: Heroic Policeman Rescues Drowning Man. Impact: This heroic dive sparked a trend where policemen started wearing capes, creating a superhero culture that eventually led to the rise of comic book heroes. Thanks a lot, East River!. Fact: Diving into the East River is considered a rite of passage for New York's bravest. Many believe the real danger lies in what you might catch, not just the drowning man.
• Headline: Hibben Funeral Service Today at Princeton. Impact: The funeral of Hibben led to an unending cycle of honorary pallbearers, where universities began to compete for the most extravagant memorials. Eventually, they had to resort to inflatable caskets to accommodate their egos. Fact: Hibben's funeral was so well-attended that it sparked the 'funeral tourism' industry, where people now travel to famous funerals just to get a good selfie.
• Headline: MILK DEALERS CITED ON PRICE VIOLATIONS; State Board Will Scrutinize Ac- tivities of Fifty at Hear- ing Tuesday.. Impact: The state milk board’s scrutiny inadvertently led to the invention of 'milk price negotiation tactics,' which have since been adopted by every teenager trying to convince their parents to raise their allowance. Fact: In the world of milk pricing, the phrase 'Got Milk?' was actually a code for 'I need a better deal!' It's like the black market for dairy.
• Headline: Peiping Foreigners Worried Lest War Cut Off Their Beer. Impact: The beer supply scare made 'beer diplomacy' a real thing, leading to secret treaties between nations based on their beer preferences. The fall of empires has often hinged on who brews the best lager. Fact: It's believed that the fear of losing beer in war has led to more peaceful negotiations than any treaty ever signed. Who knew hops could be such a powerful diplomatic tool?.
• Headline: Mayor Presents Bridge Trophy.. Impact: The presentation of the Bridge Trophy ignited a fierce rivalry in bridge tournaments worldwide, ultimately leading to the formation of international bridge leagues where players were treated like rock stars—complete with groupies and signature moves. Fact: In a bizarre twist, the trophy is rumored to be cursed, leading to players losing their minds over a game of cards. It’s basically the sports equivalent of the 'One Ring.'.
• Headline: NEW LAW IS ANTICIPATED; President Telephones Associate of Baruch of His Selection. ANSWER AWAITS PASSAGE As Administrator, He Would Have Under Roosevelt Vast Powers Over Business. LEADER IN DRAFTING BILL Plans Made to Put Measure in Operation Within Week After It Is Enacted. JOHNSON CHOSEN INDUSTRY CHIEF. Impact: Roosevelt's new law led to a power struggle that saw business leaders engaging in dramatic duels, culminating in the first-ever 'Executive Swordfight' at the White House lawn. A new form of corporate governance was born. Fact: H.S. Johnson's first day on the job was so chaotic that they had to rewrite the job description to include 'must know swordplay and negotiation skills.'.
• Headline: SWINDLERS GET 4 YEARS.; Russian Count and Ex-Professor Admit 'Money-Machine' Fraud.. Impact: The swindling scandal caused a ripple effect, leading to a new genre of 'con artist' literature that inspired a generation of wannabe hustlers. They say every successful scam artist has to start somewhere—like a toddler learning to walk. Fact: Count Dobrynski later wrote a bestselling memoir titled 'How to Swindle Your Way to Happiness,' which ironically sold out at every bookstore.
• Headline: Business Inquiry in Spain To Aid on Treaty With Us. Impact: The inquiry into business difficulties sparked a new age of international trade agreements where bureaucrats would meet over tapas and sangria, forever changing the way business was done—because nothing says 'let's negotiate' like a good paella. Fact: The American Chamber of Commerce in Spain became so successful that they considered adding 'taste testers' to their staff to ensure all negotiations were done over the best cuisine. Who wouldn't want to mix business with pleasure?.
• Headline: ZOOLOGICAL GROUP VIEWS PARK TWINS; Baby Lion Marmosets Attract Guests at Annual Meeting of New York Society. ATTENDANCE RISE NOTED Dr. Blalr Reports Gain of 73,000 Visitors So Far This Year -- Total Last Year Was 3,045,961.. Impact: The rise of baby lion marmosets at the zoo led to an influx of people wanting exotic pets, triggering a bizarre 'pet influencer' trend where animals were more famous than their owners. The internet was forever changed. Fact: Dr. Blair's report of 3,045,961 visitors was just the number of people who came to see the marmosets. The actual zoo attendance was much higher—nobody could resist the cuteness!.