MAY 17, 1933

Full News Archive

• Headline: Civil Service Reform Critiqued in 1933. Impact: This political job roll scandal inspired the creation of a new reality TV show called 'Who Needs Skills Anyway?' where contestants compete for government jobs based solely on their ability to charm a panel of judges. Spoiler alert: no one wins.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more inflated than the budget for political jobs is the egos of those who hold them?.
• Headline: City Concerns Over Fare and Bankruptcy Law. Impact: O'Brien's fear of bankruptcy led to the unexpected birth of the urban legend that city officials make deals with magical fare fairies to keep the 5-cent fare alive. The catch? You have to say 'abracadabra' while handing over your coins.. Fact: Fun fact: 'bankruptcy' in political circles is just code for 'let's have a meeting about how to not meet.'.
• Headline: Marines Secure Alaska Rail Supply. Impact: The marines’ protection of rail ties led to a secret military operation where they became the world’s first 'Railway Rangers,' ensuring no tie was ever left unguarded, thus preventing an international crisis over mismatched railroad aesthetics.. Fact: Did you know that 'Railway Rangers' was almost a hit TV show until the marines realized they preferred action over carpentry?.
• Headline: RoseuAtherton.. Impact: The engagement of RoseuAtherton sparked a time paradox where every engagement ring became a time portal, causing couples to show up at their weddings dressed in medieval garb, much to the confusion of guests.. Fact: Engagements are like time travel — one moment you're single, and the next you're being asked when you plan to settle down. Spoiler: it's never soon enough..
• Headline: BABY ORCHESTRA MAKES DEBUT HERE; Boy, 2, Takes Baton at Concert in Greenwich Church -- Measles Depletes Ranks.. Impact: The baby orchestra's debut led to a global trend of toddler-led orchestras, resulting in a world where no concert was ever serious again, and symphonies were performed with crayons and finger paint.. Fact: Did you know that most conductors have to take a course in toddler negotiation tactics to succeed in today's music scene?.
• Headline: E. B. SEXTON'S WILL AIDS 7 CHARITIES; Head of Home for Old Men and Aged Couples Left $ 1,053,365 Property to Widow for Life. WUCHER ESTATE TO HOME Dr. C. R. Stetson Property Put at $25,237--Mrs. Hannah Sichel Had $1,574,960.. Impact: E. B. Sexton's will inadvertently created a new charitable industry where wealthy individuals leave their fortunes to the most obscure causes, like funding the research of underwater basket weaving.. Fact: It's said that being a millionaire is just a warm-up for being a philanthropist — because who doesn't want to give away their money to complete strangers?.
• Headline: Hempstead Dentist Dies by Gas.. Impact: The tragic suicide of the Hempstead dentist led to the establishment of a new initiative where dentists were required to have mandatory emotional support puppies in their offices to ease patient anxiety and their own.. Fact: It's said that dentists have the highest rate of existential crises per capita — guess who didn't see that coming?.
• Headline: ^ReynoldsuBrown. I. Impact: ReynoldsuBrown's engagement sparked a trend where people started using their full names in social settings, leading to a bizarre world where everyone became a walking legal document.. Fact: Did you know that too many names can lead to confusion? Just ask anyone trying to keep up with their own social media accounts!.
• Headline: T.W. WHITTLE MADE A TAX COMMISSIONER; Man Opposed by Macy Is Sworn in by Mayor to Succeed Payne in $10,840 Post.. Impact: T.W. Whittle’s appointment as tax commissioner led to an underground movement advocating for 'Taxation Without Explanation,' where citizens just guessed their tax amounts and hoped for the best, resulting in the largest game of financial roulette in history.. Fact: Fun fact: Tax commissioners are the only professionals who can make you feel guilty for not giving them your money while simultaneously giving you a headache..