MAY 15, 1933

Full News Archive

• Headline: Alfred E. Smith's Frolic Performance. Impact: Alfred E. Smith's impromptu performance led to the creation of a secret society of singing politicians, who believed that if they could just charm the voters with show tunes, they could win any election. Sadly, this resulted in several disastrous campaigns, including one that featured an entire musical about tax reform.. Fact: Did you know that the brown derby was originally designed as a hat for politicians who wanted to blend in with the public? Spoiler alert: it didn't work..
• Headline: Decline in Britain's Foreign Trade. Impact: This trade drop sparked a secret meeting of British squirrels who decided to hoard all the acorns and gold they could find, inadvertently leading to a future shortage of both in the UK. This would later cause a rise in the popularity of nut-based investments.. Fact: Fun fact: British squirrels are actually very astute investors—just ask any acorn..
• Headline: Nakos Captures 1-Wall Handball Title. Impact: J Nakos's victory inspired a generation of handball enthusiasts, ultimately leading to the establishment of handball-themed coffee shops. These establishments served only hand-shaped pastries and were frequented by the overly enthusiastic yet surprisingly fit.. Fact: Handball: the one sport where you can get a workout and a bruise at the same time. Talk about multi-tasking!.
• Headline: Will Rogers Sees a Moral In the Row Over the Mural. Impact: Will Rogers's insight into the mural controversy led to the establishment of the 'Mural Mediation Society,' which aimed to resolve artistic disputes through interpretive dance. Sadly, they only succeeded in making things more confusing.. Fact: Will Rogers once said, 'I never met a mural I didn't like.' Ironically, this was the same day he was kicked out of an art gallery..
• Headline: HUMORIST WRITES OF UNSAILED SEAS; ' In One Ear' Is Out With Tales of Places Frank Sullivan Never Has Seen. HE TELLS HIS METHOD Tries the Typewriter Every Morning, but Gives Up if Result Is Not Satisfactory.. Impact: Frank Sullivan's writing process inspired countless aspiring writers to abandon their typewriters and take up knitting instead, believing it would be less frustrating. This led to a knitting revolution, with scarves becoming the new bestsellers.. Fact: Every writer has that moment when they realize that the true tragedy is not writer's block but just how many bad puns they have to wade through..
• Headline: White Sox Release Murray.. Impact: The release of G Murray set off a chain reaction in the baseball world, resulting in a secret underground league where former players gathered to plot their comebacks. By 2030, this league would be the only remaining professional sport.. Fact: Every time a player is released, a baseball fairy loses its wings. So, yes, there is a tragic side to the business!.
• Headline: Long-Term Debt 150% Above Pre-War Years; Financial Concerns Lead Rise, Survey Finds. Impact: The alarming rise in debt led to the invention of the 'Debt Dance,' where people could express their financial woes through interpretive movement. Unfortunately, it was mostly just people flailing around and crying.. Fact: Long-term debt: the adult version of 'I swear I'll pay you back next week.' Spoiler alert: they never do..
• Headline: 25 BRITONS RECEIVE FELLOWSHIPS HERE; Ninth Group Coming to Study Two Years Under Grants by Commonwealth Fund.. Impact: The influx of British students led to the creation of an entirely new genre of tea-based academic papers, which ultimately caused a global shortage of both tea and patience as everyone tried to decipher their findings.. Fact: Brits may excel at tea but when it comes to football, let’s just say the rest of the world is still waiting on that 'world domination' plan..