MAY 10, 1933

Full News Archive

• Headline: Palmer's Funeral Draws Educators' Attention. Impact: The collective grief somehow leads to the creation of the world's most over-the-top memorials, ensuring that every future farewell includes a harpist and at least three speeches about how 'he always made the best coffee'.. Fact: Did you know that funerals have become so elaborate that there are now companies specializing in 'funeral planning'? It's the only industry where you can still say 'it's a dying business' and mean it literally..
• Headline: Phelps' Final Class at Yale Celebrated. Impact: Dr. Phelps's final class inspires a generation of students to pursue teaching, leading to an influx of overly enthusiastic professors who think 'the Socratic method' means asking questions until students cry.. Fact: Did you know that Dr. Phelps taught at Yale for 40 years? That’s longer than most people spend in therapy trying to figure out why they chose their major..
• Headline: ! Lucretia Bush Is Bride.. Impact: Lucretia's marriage sparks a trend of extravagant weddings, leading to the rise of wedding planners who charge more than the average college tuition for a single day of 'happily ever after.'. Fact: Did you know that the average wedding now costs more than a small car? So if you’re feeling broke, just remember: love is priceless, but the reception definitely isn’t..
• Headline: Hadassah Re-elects Mri. Bandes.. Impact: The re-election of Mri. Bandes sets a precedent for future elections that are just as exciting as watching paint dry, ensuring that 'change' remains a rare commodity.. Fact: Did you know that in many organizations, re-elections are often just a way to keep things 'interesting'? Spoiler alert: they rarely are..
• Headline: WITTEMANN ON TRIAL.; Brooklyn Real Estate Man Accused of Concealing Assets.. Impact: Wittemann's trial leads to an uptick in public distrust of real estate agents, inspiring a new generation of buyers to hunt for hidden assets like they’re on an episode of 'Storage Wars'.. Fact: Did you know that concealing assets is a great way to end up in a courtroom? It's true! Just ask Wittemann, who probably wished he’d invested in a better hiding spot..
• Headline: Reich Seizes Industrialists In Rayon Firm Irregularities. Impact: This event sets off a chain reaction leading to modern corporate espionage, where executives are more focused on their Instagram feeds than their balance sheets.. Fact: Did you know that rayon was once considered a revolutionary fabric? Now it’s just a reminder that even synthetic fibers can’t escape the drama of corporate greed..
• Headline: France Launches New Cruiser.. Impact: The launch of the cruiser leads to a naval arms race, resulting in a future where countries have more ships than they know what to do with, and sailors are forced to play shuffleboard on the open seas.. Fact: Did you know that naval cruisers are basically floating cities? Just keep them away from icebergs and they should be fine… unless they hit a WiFi dead zone..