APRIL 24, 1933

Full News Archive

• Headline: Middletown Field Trial Success. Impact: The victory of Tip's Lady Montrose at the Open All-Age Event sparked a secret uprising of dogs who believed they could also compete in human sports, leading to the formation of the canine Olympics in 2045. This event ultimately resulted in humanity being ruled by our furry companions. Fact: Did you know that dogs are known to have a better sense of smell than humans? This is probably why they don't let us handle the important stuff.
• Headline: Maurice Chevalier Arrives in New York. Impact: Maurice Chevalier's arrival in New York marked the beginning of a secret society of French film stars who would ultimately influence American cinema to include more berets and baguettes in every scene. Fact: Did you know Chevalier was known for his charming smile? It’s rumored it could even charm the pants off a mannequin.
• Headline: NYU Secures No. 4 Lane at Penn Relays. Impact: The drawing of lanes for the Penn Relays ignited a centuries-long debate about lane assignments, culminating in a future where a random wheel of fortune decides all race outcomes. Spoiler: it's never in your favor. Fact: Did you know that running the mile is more about stamina than style? But hey, I guess that doesn't stop people from trying to look good while gasping for air.
• Headline: DR. DURANT PRAISES FIGHT ON HITLERISM; Predicts United Opposition to Violence Will Save Germany as Well as Jews.. Impact: Dr. Durant's praise for fighting against Hitlerism inadvertently led to the rise of superhero comic books, as kids everywhere thought they could also fight evil with capes and spandex. Who knew that a serious historical observation would lead to so many terrible movie adaptations?. Fact: Did you know that 'superhero' was not a recognized term back then? They were just called 'people who wear tights and punch bad guys.' Much simpler.
• Headline: EMPLOYE MAGAZINES.. Impact: The survey of employee magazines led to a bizarre future where every workplace has a mandatory magazine, filled with inspirational cat memes instead of actual work-related content. Productivity? What’s that?. Fact: Did you know that employee magazines have been around since the dawn of office water coolers? They’ve always been a great way to avoid actual work.
• Headline: COURTENAY IS BURIED.; Many Members of the Stage at I Funeral of Actor. I. Impact: Courtenay's burial sparked a wave of dramatic funerals in the entertainment industry, leading to elaborate send-offs that included pyrotechnics and live performances. Because, of course, you want your final bow to be unforgettable. Fact: Did you know that funerals have become increasingly extravagant? Some are practically Broadway shows. 'The Phantom of the Opera' has nothing on these send-offs.
• Headline: HIS BIG FOUR.. Impact: The publication of 'His Big Four' led to a future where every opinion column is filled with big declarations, leading to an era where everyone claims to be an expert on literally everything—especially on social media. Fact: Did you know that everyone has a 'big four' nowadays? It's usually just what they had for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, along with their favorite Netflix series.
• Headline: LONDON HAILS 3 MEN EXPELLED BY SOVIET; Vast Throng Greets Them at Rail Station-All Sing National Anthem. RELEASE OF OTHERS SEEN Trial Did Not Reveal All, Is Belief in Moscow -- Thornton Deposition Published. BRITAIN HAILS MEN SOVIET DEPORTED. Impact: The expulsion of the three men by the Soviet Union triggered a secret underground network of exiled artists who would later infiltrate the art world, eventually leading to the creation of 'abstract art'—which is just a fancy term for 'I can't paint but look how deep I am.'. Fact: Did you know that the more abstract the art, the more nonsense people will assign to it? Just throw some paint on a canvas and call it 'Existential Crisis #3.'.
• Headline: OBSERVES SILVER JUBILEE.; Father Cagnina Honored at Ser- vices and Dinner.. Impact: Father Cagnina's silver jubilee observance led to an increase in celebratory events for minor milestones, leading to a future where everyone celebrates 'Half-Birthdays' and 'Third Wednesday of the Month' parties with equal fervor. Fact: Did you know that jubilee celebrations date back centuries? But nowadays, you can celebrate just about anything—like surviving Monday, for example.