APRIL 22, 1933

Full News Archive

• Headline: Happy Days Party at Sherry's. Impact: This party raised funds for scholarships, which eventually led to the proliferation of educated hipsters who now run the world with their ironic mustaches and artisanal coffee shops.. Fact: Did you know that 'Happy Days' was actually a documentary on how to throw parties that no one shows up to? Spoiler alert: they still keep throwing them..
• Headline: SOCONY's Profit Surge in 1932. Impact: This profit jump led to an unexpected boom in corporate greed, which would eventually evolve into the modern-day art of 'flying first class while the rest of us are crammed into the cargo hold.'. Fact: Fun fact: SOCONY's profits are now the punchline for jokes about how to lose money while trying to earn it. It's a real art form!.
• Headline: Sir John H. Dunn's Wedding Announcement. Impact: This wedding united two influential families, setting off a chain reaction of political alliances that would lead to the creation of the world's most pretentious dinner parties.. Fact: Did you know that marriage is just a fancy way of saying, 'Let's make things complicated and expensive together'? Cheers to that!.
• Headline: MARSHALL FIELD CHANGES; H.P. Shedd Is Made General Manager of Wholesale Department.. Impact: Shedd's promotion sparked a series of managerial changes across the retail sector, ultimately leading to the phenomenon of 'retail therapy' as we know it today.. Fact: Did you know that 'wholesale' is just a fancy term for 'I bought way too much stuff and now I need to sell it at a discount'? Welcome to capitalism!.
• Headline: WILL ADVERTISE COTTON.; Merchants to Spend $2,125,000, Cotton Institute Reports.. Impact: This advertising push led to an oversaturation of cotton products, which birthed the infamous 'I only wear organic cotton' movement two generations later.. Fact: Did you know that cotton is just the plant version of that one friend who keeps showing up uninvited? It’s always there, and it’s always ready to party!.
• Headline: Pilot Describes the Flight.. Impact: This flight description inspired future pilots to embellish their adventure stories, leading to the creation of the aviation equivalent of 'fish tales' that no one believes.. Fact: Did you know that pilots are just glorified bus drivers who get to wear cool sunglasses and tell people to buckle up? Talk about a sweet gig!.
• Headline: Economy Measures.. Impact: This criticism of economy measures led to a series of misguided policies that would later be blamed for the economic crisis that had everyone wondering why they even bothered with budgeting.. Fact: Did you know that 'economy measures' is just a euphemism for 'let's pretend we have a plan while we actually just wing it'? Sounds familiar, right?.
• Headline: OUR DISTINGUISHED VISITOR.. Impact: This visitor's presence became a legend, leading to future generations insisting that they too must have 'distinguished visitors' at their dinner parties, which only led to awkward small talk.. Fact: Did you know that being 'distinguished' just means having a really fancy title and knowing how to use a fork correctly? Welcome to adulthood!.
• Headline: CIRCUS RING STAYS ON GOLD STANDARD; Gilded Elephant Appears Twice Daily, While Matinees Have Been Sold Out All Week.. Impact: The commitment to the gold standard in the circus led to a bizarre obsession with glitz and glamour, paving the way for modern reality TV where everything is exaggerated and nothing is real.. Fact: Did you know that the gilded elephant is actually a metaphor for over-the-top extravagance? Just like your friend's wedding that costs more than your house!.