APRIL 13, 1933

Full News Archive

• Headline: Judicial Council Report Analysis Begins. Impact: The annual report was so riveting it inspired a generation of lawyers to take up knitting instead. Who knew law could be this dull?. Fact: Fun fact: Ed's report was so boring that it has been used as a sleep aid for insomniacs for decades..
• Headline: Ford Motor of Canada Established. Impact: Ford Motor of Canada would go on to revolutionize the auto industry, leading to traffic jams that would plague humanity for eons. All thanks to one company’s report!. Fact: Did you know that Ford's greatest invention was not the car, but the traffic jam? Every time you sit in one, thank Henry Ford!.
• Headline: SENDS NATION'S GRATITUDE.; Roosevelt Writes to Captain Dalldorf Praising "Spirit of Sea.". Impact: Roosevelt's letter of gratitude made Captain Dalldorf feel like a superhero, leading him to save more kittens from trees, thus increasing the national cat population exponentially.. Fact: Roosevelt's letters were so inspiring that they were later used as motivational posters in offices across the nation. 'You too can be a Captain Dalldorf!'.
• Headline: Continue as Studebaker Receivers.. Impact: The decision to keep the receivers in place led to a slow decline of the Studebaker brand, which in turn taught future corporations the value of a solid exit strategy. Who knew failure could be so educational?. Fact: Fun fact: Studebaker was once a thriving car manufacturer until they decided to take the scenic route out of business..
• Headline: ASK FARE CUT NOW TO WESTCHESTER; Commuters Urge Immediate Temporary Slash of 25% in New Haven Rates. HEARING SET FOR APRIL 26 Counsel for City Joins in Plea for Quick Relief -- Move Supplements Earlier Action.. Impact: The call for a fare cut set off a domino effect of commuting chaos that resulted in a national debate about public transportation that still rages on today, because who doesn’t love a good argument about buses?. Fact: Did you know that 'fare cuts' is actually a euphemism for 'let's see how many people we can annoy today'?.
• Headline: Service-Connected Pensions.. Impact: The push for service-connected pensions helped create a culture of entitlement among veterans that would echo through the decades, eventually leading to the phrase 'Thanks for your service' becoming a common cover-up for political incompetence.. Fact: Ironically, the more people talked about service-connected pensions, the more they forgot about actually serving their country..
• Headline: END OF PAROLE BOARD URGED BY CORRIGAN; Jurist Tells Advertising Club That Leniency to Criminals Is Menace to Society.. Impact: The end of the parole board proposed by Corrigan sparked a movement that questioned criminal justice, leading to a long, drawn-out debate that would make even the most patient saint roll their eyes.. Fact: Corrigan’s speech was so powerful that it temporarily united lawyers and criminals in a shared sense of confusion..