MARCH 31, 1933

Full News Archive

• Headline: Income Tax Extension Deadline Approaches. Impact: As the clock strikes midnight, millions of accountants around the world collectively gasp, leading to an unexpected surge in caffeine consumption. This triggers a global coffee crisis that lasts until 2042, when an alternative 'time-efficient' drink is invented: instant regret.. Fact: Did you know that income tax extensions are like a bad haircut? You think it's a good idea until you see the final results on April 15th..
• Headline: Brentano's Receivership Announcement. Impact: Brentano's bankruptcy sends shockwaves through the literary world, causing authors to seek alternative careers in interpretive dance. The next generation of poets becomes known for their rhythmic pirouettes rather than their sonnets.. Fact: Fun fact: Instead of 'Brentano's', the world could have been filled with 'Bren-tan-uhs', a popular chain of tanning salons. You win some, you lose some..
• Headline: Consul Visits Heuberg Concentration Camp. Impact: The consul's visit sparks a secret international movement of diplomats who decide that 'visiting camps' is much more fun than actual diplomacy. This leads to the creation of a new sport: 'Diplomatic Dodgeball'.. Fact: Did you know that diplomatic visits often come with a side of uncomfortable small talk? 'So, how's your country's prison system treating you?'.
• Headline: Spain and the Jews.. Impact: The expulsion of Jews from Spain sets off a ripple effect that leads to the creation of secret societies dedicated to the preservation of Jewish culture—eventually inspiring modern-day escape rooms.. Fact: Fun fact: Spain's expulsion of Jews not only altered its history but also provided a great excuse for any future Spanish teachers who didn't want to include certain chapters in their curriculum..
• Headline: ARMS CASE BRIBE DENIED.; Rumanian General, in Suicide Let- ter, Claims Innocence.. Impact: The Rumanian general’s suicide letter ignites a flurry of conspiracy theories suggesting that he was actually a time traveler trying to prevent a world war. This leads to a cult-like following of 'Popescu-ists' who believe in alternate timelines.. Fact: Did you know that suicide letters often make fantastic plot devices in mystery novels? Only if the writer could’ve just sent a text instead..
• Headline: FOUR-POWER PACT COVERS WIDE FIELD; Text, Revealed in London, Links Britain, France, Italy, Germany in All Peace Issues. NO OTHERS INVITED TO AID Meagre Arms-Parley Result Is Implied in Equality Provision for the Vanquished. ENFORCEMENT IS PROBLEM Cooperation Will Be "in Spirit of the Briand-Kellogg Pact and the 'No Force' Treaty.". Impact: The Four-Power Pact's announcement inadvertently creates a new trend in international relations: the 'Allies' selfie. Nations begin taking group photos at peace talks, resulting in a long-lasting Instagram rivalry between world leaders.. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more complicated than international treaties is trying to get all the world leaders to pose for a group shot without someone making a silly face..
• Headline: DENIES MASS MIGRATION.; Prague Newspaper Says Few Jews Fled to Czechoslovakia.. Impact: The denial of mass migration by the Prague newspaper leads to a sudden influx of conspiracy theorists who declare that the truth is being hidden under layers of bureaucracy. This culminates in an underground 'Truth Society' where members only drink herbal tea.. Fact: Did you know that when newspapers deny something, it usually means they’re just waiting for the next juicy scandal to sell more papers? Journalism: still a shady business!.
• Headline: SEIZED AS SCHULTZ AIDE.; Self-Styled Plumber Is Quickly Freed in $25,000 Bail.. Impact: The arrest of Schultz's aide leads to a sudden spike in plumbers becoming amateur detectives. Thus begins the legendary 'Plumber's Conspiracy' that sparks countless detective novels and a new genre of mystery films.. Fact: Did you know that plumbers often have the best stories? You just don’t hear them unless you accidentally call one during a plumbing emergency..
• Headline: SCHOOLS GRADUATED 52,303 IN FEBRUARY; Total for All Public Courses Here Shows Increase of 879 Over Last Year.. Impact: The graduation of over 52,000 students leads to a surprising increase in the number of future baristas and dog walkers. A direct correlation between student loan debt and these professions is established, which only deepens over time.. Fact: Fun fact: Graduating from school does not guarantee success; it merely guarantees that your parents can stop asking when you'll find a 'real job'..