MARCH 24, 1933

Full News Archive

• Headline: Push for Triborough Bridge Funding. Impact: Without that loan, the Triborough Bridge might have been a mere figment of NYC's imagination, leading to a bizarre alternate history where people cross the East River by hopping on giant inflatable ducks.. Fact: The Triborough Bridge, if not built, would have left New Yorkers forever debating the best way to float to work. Spoiler alert: inflatable ducks won..
• Headline: Pistol-Wielding Man Seeks Hoover Job. Impact: If 'Old Bill' had succeeded in joining the Secret Service, we might have seen a new era of undercover agents using wrestling moves to apprehend villains. Who needs guns when you have a body slam?. Fact: The last time someone tried to join the Secret Service with a pistol, they were just trying to make a really terrible joke about security..
• Headline: Court Mandates Stock Issuance for Settlement. Impact: The court's order to issue stock to pay off an award could have triggered a stock market crash if everyone suddenly decided to cash in on their stocks to buy shawls instead.. Fact: Because nothing says financial responsibility like funding a shawl company through stock issues! Next up: a burrito shop looking for investment..
• Headline: Mrs. Gill Leaves Miami Hospital.. Impact: Mrs. Gill's survival after Zangara's attack might have inspired a wave of 'don’t mess with mothers' movements, leading to a whole genre of action films starring moms with a vendetta.. Fact: Mrs. Gill leaving the hospital was probably the first recorded instance of a woman saying, 'I’m ready to fight back!'—and she wasn't even training in martial arts..
• Headline: BANK OF ENGLAND'S GOLD.. Impact: The Bank of England's gold policies could have inadvertently led to a modern-day gold rush where hipsters began hoarding gold for the sake of having 'vintage' currency.. Fact: There's a reason why we don't see gold on the stock market ticker: it's way too heavy for digital screens!.
• Headline: INSULL HEARING ADJOURNS; Toronto Judge Will Study Evidence In Extradition Case.. Impact: Insull's extradition case could have created a precedent for America's most wanted: a reality TV show featuring lawyers and a dramatic soundtrack as they chase down fugitives.. Fact: Extradition hearings are the legal equivalent of waiting for a pizza delivery—everyone's anxious, but no one really knows how long it will take..
• Headline: Text of the Bank Bill to Aid States. Impact: The Bank Bill's passage could have led to a series of state-level initiatives to fund bizarre projects, including a statue to honor the world's largest sandwich.. Fact: The text of the Bank Bill was so dry, it could have easily been mistaken for a manual on how to watch paint dry..
• Headline: PRODUCERS TO FIGHT ALIEN ACTORS BILL; Dickstein Measure, Favored by Equity, Would Bar Hiring of Foreign Players.. Impact: The fight against the Alien Actors Bill might have sparked an underground theatre movement where foreign actors performed Shakespeare in secret back rooms—complete with fake mustaches.. Fact: If we banned foreign actors, how would we ever have the chance to hear Shakespeare's works delivered with an Australian accent? Tragic!.
• Headline: KIBITZER' IS ARRESTED.; Broker Gets Suspended Sentence After Annoying Bridge Players.. Impact: The arrest of the 'Kibitzer' could have led to a ban on all card games in public spaces, resulting in a covert society of card players meeting in basements to avoid the law.. Fact: Annoying bridge players is basically a rite of passage; too bad he didn't get a medal instead of a suspended sentence!.