MARCH 14, 1933

Full News Archive

• Headline: Theatre Shutdown Threatens New York Stages. Impact: If theatres had closed permanently, we might have skipped straight to the age of TikTok as the primary form of entertainment. Thank you, Moskowitz, for keeping the curtains open just long enough for the world to be saved from endless dance challenges.. Fact: The last time a theatre shutdown was imminent, Shakespeare wrote King Lear. So, let’s hope the unions step it up before we get another masterpiece born from chaos!.
• Headline: Lady Edme Owen's Remarkable Pardon. Impact: Lady Edme Owen’s pardon created a ripple effect through time, leading to future debates on the ethics of celebrity justice. We're talking about the emergence of reality TV court shows, folks!. Fact: This event ultimately led to the creation of ‘Women Who Shoot First’ support groups, proving that sometimes, a little violence can lead to big changes... in how we view gun control..
• Headline: Araki Questions Japanese Military Strategy. Impact: Araki's doubts about invasion sparked a chain reaction of diplomatic meetings that led to a global obsession with sushi. Who knew that skepticism could serve up a side of wasabi?. Fact: If only Araki had invested in a sushi restaurant instead, he could have conquered the culinary world instead of worrying about political strife..
• Headline: Appreciation of Editorial.. Impact: This editorial appreciation led to a future where every newspaper would aspire to be 'the voice of reason,' only to be drowned out by cat memes and conspiracy theories.. Fact: You know, back in the day, people actually read the news instead of getting their facts from Instagram influencers. Shocking, right?.
• Headline: Mrs. Lewis S. Thompson Jr. Sues.. Impact: Mrs. Thompson's divorce set a precedent that encouraged countless future sitcoms about quirky single parents navigating life. So hey, thanks for the entertainment, Mrs. Thompson!. Fact: Divorce rates skyrocketed after this, leading to the invention of the phrase 'It's not you, it's me'—a classic breakup line that still haunts us today..
• Headline: THE MORTGAGE SITUATION.; Assemblyman Breitbart's Bills Come In for Criticism.. Impact: Breitbart's mortgage bills were so criticized that they led to the invention of the 'fine print' concept in contracts, ensuring future generations would need a magnifying glass to read what they're signing.. Fact: Criticism of mortgage bills has been around longer than your great-grandparents' mortgage. Some things never change, right?.
• Headline: WHITE HOUSE HAILS BANK REOPENINGS; Resumption in Other Clearing House Cities Today Is the Second Step. WOODIN IS "DELIGHTED" Congratulations Pour In on Roosevelt -- Bill to Aid Non-Member Banks Offered. WHITE HOUSE HAILS BANK REOPENINGS. Impact: The reopening of banks led to a rush of people hiding their money under mattresses instead of in banks, kickstarting the ‘mattress economy’ that remains a solid investment strategy for some.. Fact: The banks reopening was a momentous occasion—kind of like the release of the iPhone, but without the lines or the social media hype..
• Headline: A YEAR'S TARIFF CHANGES.. Impact: The annual tariff changes ignited a series of trade wars that continue to fuel the argument of whether or not pineapple belongs on pizza. Spoiler: it absolutely does.. Fact: Tariff changes have been the reason many families have had more heated discussions at dinner than any reality TV show could ever inspire..
• Headline: BRUTAL MR. SHAW.; His Treatment of Helen Keller Unintentional but Typical.. Impact: Shaw's unintentional treatment of Keller led to a revolution in how society perceives disabilities, proving that sometimes, being brutal can spark a change that is painfully necessary.. Fact: Helen Keller’s resilience inspired countless movies and books, but let’s be honest, G.B. Shaw probably didn’t see that coming. Talk about a plot twist!.