MARCH 9, 1933

Full News Archive

• Headline: Duveen Wins Name Rights in Furniture Dispute. Impact: This injunction set off a chain reaction of ridiculous lawsuits over furniture names, leading to the eventual rise of 'IKEA' – because who needs tradition when you have flat-pack chaos?. Fact: Did you know that furniture names are more serious than they sound? Next up: 'Lords of the Armchair'!.
• Headline: Swanson Commends 2 Navy Fliers.. Impact: This commendation led to the establishment of a new branch of the military: the 'Compliment Corps,' dedicated solely to boosting morale with letters of praise. Because nothing says 'battle-ready' like a card with glitter.. Fact: Did you know that in the Navy, commendations are just a fancy way of saying, 'Good job, don't get shot next time!'?.
• Headline: MISS FARRAR AIDS DRIVE.; Will Speak at Metropolitan This Afternoon -- Last "Aida" Sung.. Impact: Miss Farrar's drive resulted in a resurgence of opera interest, ultimately inspiring a reality show called 'American Idol: Opera Edition.' Spoiler: it didn't end well.. Fact: Did you know that 'Aida' is still performed today? Apparently, people love tragic love stories, even if they can't pronounce the names!.
• Headline: STRIKERS ARE ACCUSED.; Restaurant Receiver Asks 13 Be Punished for Contempt.. Impact: The accusations against strikers led to the formation of a secret society of strikers who only met in coffee shops, resulting in a great coffee shortage. Strikers love their lattes.. Fact: Contempt of court? More like contempt of good taste when it comes to restaurant food!.
• Headline: SAYS HUSBAND BEAT HER.; Mrs. Robert H. Davis Jr. Testifies in Separation Suit.. Impact: This separation suit sparked a nationwide trend of public airing of grievances, leading to reality TV shows like 'Divorce Court: The Musical.' Expect a cast album soon.. Fact: Did you know that public testimony is basically the ancient version of tweeting your problems?.
• Headline: FORMER FOES TO UNITE.; Veterans of Germany, Austria and Allies to March at Ball.. Impact: The unification of former foes paved the way for a new global initiative: 'Let’s Pretend We’re Friends,' which is still in progress and often results in awkward silences.. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing veterans can agree on is that marching is overrated, especially after a few drinks..
• Headline: NEEDY TO BE AIDED BY 'STOOPNOCRATS'; Society With Fanciful Name Is Formed Here on Pattern of English 'Froth Blowers.' ODD 'DEGREES' PLANNED Welfare Leaders Join Group Undertaking Serious Work in Spirit of Fun. WILL BACK BARTER UNITS Funds Also Will Be Raised for Rec- ognized Charities -- Officers to Serve Without Pay.. Impact: The formation of 'Stoopenocrats' led to an explosion of whimsical charity events, resulting in the infamous 'Gala of the Absurd' where the dress code is 'wacky.'. Fact: Did you know that 'Stoopenocrats' sounds like a failed children's TV show? Tune in next week for 'The Adventures of Captain Charity!'.
• Headline: Scotch Plaids Outstanding In the Paris Spring Styles. Impact: The fashion statement of Scotch plaids led to a global plaid craze, inspiring hipsters everywhere to claim they 'discovered' this old trend, thus launching a million thrift shop finds.. Fact: Scotch plaids: the only thing still more complicated than deciphering the latest trends in fashion. Good luck!.