MARCH 7, 1933

Full News Archive

• Headline: Parole Board's Landmark Hearings Begin. Impact: The Parole Board's decision to set hearings led to a series of legal reforms that eventually culminated in the rise of reality TV shows featuring ex-cons, forever altering the landscape of entertainment. Who knew crime could be so profitable?. Fact: Parole hearings are basically the adult version of the 'you're grounded' speech, but with less drama and more paperwork..
• Headline: BARS PLEA FOR DIVINE AID.; Utah House Cuts Prayer for Economic Guidance From Relief Bill.. Impact: The Utah House cutting prayer for economic guidance inadvertently led to the rise of economic fortune-telling as a legitimate profession. Now, everyone wants to ask a psychic about their 401(k).. Fact: Cutting prayer from a relief bill is like deciding to bake a cake without flour. Good luck with that, Utah!.
• Headline: N50DNTDEKERMEL : TAKES-BRIDEHERE; ; Parisian Weds Mile. Fernande ' Carreau-Dombasle in St. /.. Vincent de Paul Church. ! o - . . .________________ REV.T. WUCHER OFFICIATES f o French Consul General de Fontnou- . _' velle a WitnessuReception Held at the Plaza.. Impact: The marriage of P Garreau-Dombasle and Mile. Fernande set off a chain reaction of cross-cultural weddings, inspiring a future where even cats have wedding registries. Truly, the world has gone mad.. Fact: If you think planning a wedding is tough now, just imagine doing it in front of a French consulate. Très chic stress!.
• Headline: NEW COLLEGE IDEAL SEEN.; Graduates With "Sense of the Times" Aim of Dartmouth Head.. Impact: Dr. E.M. Hopkins' vision for graduates with a 'sense of the times' inadvertently led to the creation of a generation of influencers who believe posting a selfie is equivalent to social awareness. Bravo, education!. Fact: Having a 'sense of the times' is just code for 'can you use Twitter without embarrassing yourself?'.
• Headline: BULLET KILLS JERSEY MAN; Cranford Insurance Adjuster Found Shot on Florida Outing.. Impact: The unfortunate death of the Cranford insurance adjuster during a Florida outing became legendary, sparking countless insurance fraud conspiracy theories that still circulate among the less-than-scrupulous. Who's really telling the truth here?. Fact: If you think insurance adjusters have a tough job now, imagine explaining your way out of a suspicious vacation mishap. It's like a game of Clue, but with real stakes..
• Headline: BreatonuBogue.. Impact: BreatonuBogue's marriage to F Bogue continued the ridiculous trend of hyphenated last names that, in the future, would confuse genealogists for generations. Thanks for the headache!. Fact: Combining two last names is the adult version of adding sprinkles to your ice cream. It looks fun, but it complicates everything!.