MARCH 3, 1933

Full News Archive

• Headline: Armand Denis Heads to Indian Jungles. Impact: Little did anyone know, Hrs. Armand Denis's jungle expedition would lead to the first-ever discovered endangered species, the 'Disappearing Film Crew'. Their plight sparked a decade-long debate on wildlife preservation that somehow ended up with the creation of the first reality TV show.. Fact: Did you know that jungle expeditions are basically the original version of influencer trips? Just less Instagram and more mosquito bites..
• Headline: Hitler's Planned Broadcast Over Polish Corridor. Impact: Hitler's decision to broadcast from a plane instead of a podium made air travel seem glamorous, leading to the modern obsession with flying. Ironically, this resulted in people choosing the middle seat in a cramped cabin for decades to come.. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more inflated than Hitler's ego was the air pressure in the planes he never flew in – because who needs safety when you have a grand speech?.
• Headline: Gibson Fund Free Concert Event. Impact: The Gibson Fund Concert opened the floodgates for future benefit concerts, eventually leading to the establishment of a 'Concert for World Peace' where everyone just peace-signs each other from a distance.. Fact: Did you know the concept of 'free concerts' was originally just a ploy to get people to stop talking about how bad the sandwiches were?.
• Headline: AMERICAN SPEECH.. Impact: Ed's analysis of American speech spurred the evolution of slang, which ultimately led to the creation of text-speak – because who has time for full words when you're busy ignoring your friends?. Fact: Did you know that 'basic English' of 800 words is basically what happens when you run out of words in a game of Scrabble?.
• Headline: Aliens Coming to Stay Will Be Fingerprinted; Doak Order Affects Even Returning Residents. Impact: The fingerprinting of aliens set off a chain reaction of paranoia that eventually resulted in the invention of the 'secret ingredient' in fast food – which everyone still questions to this day.. Fact: Did you know that fingerprinting was originally just a way for people to find out who had stolen their lunch from the communal fridge?.
• Headline: EX-BANK HEAD INDICTED.; M.J. Ryan of Philadelphia Is Ac- cused of Embezzlement.. Impact: M.J. Ryan's embezzlement scandal reverberated through the banking industry, leading to tighter regulations that would eventually make banking feel more like a trip to the DMV.. Fact: Did you know that embezzlement is just a fancy word for 'taking a little extra for yourself'? Because who doesn’t want a raise?.
• Headline: SALMAGUNDI ARTISTS DINE; S.T. Shaw Is Host to Competitors for His Annual Prize.. Impact: S.T. Shaw's annual prize dinner is credited with the rise of competitive dining, a sport that has led to more reality TV shows than anyone can count, with the winner receiving a trophy made entirely of kale.. Fact: Did you know that competitive dining is just an excuse for chefs to show off their knives? Because apparently, cooking isn't enough of a competition!.