FEBRUARY 25, 1933

Full News Archive

• Headline: Engineering Staffs Seek Payroll Relief. Impact: The borough presidents' plea for relief funds could have inadvertently led to a nationwide trend where instead of solving problems, the government hired its own citizens to supervise each other’s joblessness, paving the way for a future where everyone is employed in bureaucratic roles and no one actually gets anything done. Fact: Did you know that asking the government for money is like asking a cat for a cuddle? It might just stare at you and walk away.
• Headline: Elizabeth Cushing's Marriage in 1933. Impact: This seemingly innocuous wedding could have sparked a chain reaction of diplomatic marriages, leading to a future where international treaties are settled over brunch invitations and floral arrangements. Fact: Marriage: the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy!.
• Headline: Papal Envoy's Farewell from Washington, D.C.. Impact: Mgr. Fumasoni-Biondi's farewell could be seen as a pivotal moment in the relationship between the Vatican and the United States, one that might have inadvertently shifted the Pope's focus from divine matters to the culinary delights found on American soil. Fact: The Vatican has its own postal service which is known to be faster than a speeding bullet… or at least faster than your average government office!.
• Headline: Will Rogers Hails Douglas, Night Watchman of Budget. Impact: Will Rogers' praise for Douglas might have inspired a legacy of budget watchmen, leading to a future where every budget is monitored by an overly vigilant night watchman, ensuring that no penny goes unaccounted for, but also leading to a severe shortage of sleep. Fact: Will Rogers once said, 'I never met a man I didn't like,' which is probably why he wasn't in politics!.
• Headline: RATIFYING CONVENTIONS.; Procedure Could Be Fixed by Congressional Action.. Impact: This vague mention of Congressional action might have set off a chain reaction of convoluted legislative processes, resulting in the modern-day Congress being more famous for their inability to agree than for actually ratifying anything. Fact: Congressional action is like a group project where no one wants to do the work but everyone wants credit for the final product.
• Headline: CITY TAX RATE CUT 26 POINTS TO $2.33, LOWEST IN 13 YEARS; Prial Gives Out Figure Based on Reduction in General Fund to $82,245,195. BOROUGH TOTALS FIXED Combined Rates Range From $2.39 on Bronx Property to $2.48 for Queens. REALTY BODIES GRATIFIED Officials and "Aroused Opinion" Praised by Grimm -- Trunk Asks Further Relief on Valuations. CITY TAX RATE CUT 26 POINTS TO $2.33. Impact: The tax rate cut might have led to a decade-long celebration of fiscal irresponsibility, where citizens mistakenly believed they could live on cheap taxes alone, resulting in future budget crises that would make even the most seasoned accountant weep. Fact: Tax cuts are like diets: they sound great until you realize you still have to pay bills and eat.
• Headline: 6-STATE COMPACTS ON POWER DRAFTED; New York Commission Meets Here With Representatives of Neighboring States. EXISTING BOARDS UPHELD Conference Believes Authority Should Be Granted to Them Instead of New Bodies.. Impact: The drafting of these power compacts may have inadvertently planted the seeds for future energy crises when states would bicker over who gets the last slice of pie, eventually leading to a series of energy-saving tips that include wearing sweaters indoors. Fact: The only thing more confusing than state power compacts is trying to read the fine print on your energy bill!.
• Headline: Canada Dry Ginger Ale Will Charter Unit To Sell Alcoholic Drinks if Repeal Is Voted. Impact: If Canada Dry was successful, it could have turned the fizzy beverage industry into a wild party scene, leading to a future where ginger ale is the go-to mixer for all cocktail parties, resulting in a world obsessed with bubbles. Fact: Canada Dry: because sometimes you need a little ginger in your life, especially when you’re trying to drown your sorrows!.
• Headline: LEWIS SAILS FOR HOME.; Chooses Ship With 17 Passengers -- Predicts World War in Year.. Impact: Lewis’s ominous prediction could be seen as a significant moment in history, perhaps causing a panic-induced surge in shipbuilding that led to a future filled with overly crowded vessels and even more dubious predictions about global conflict. Fact: Sailing predictions are like horoscopes: vague enough to be true, but specific enough to cause a panic!.
• Headline: TEACHING TRADE, NOT WAR; Major Hochfelder Tells Objects of Homeless Boy Camps.. Impact: Major Hochfelder's call for peace through trade education might have inadvertently inspired a generation of entrepreneurs who, instead of fighting wars, decided to sell homemade cookies and lemonade, forever changing the landscape of summer youth camps. Fact: Teaching 'trade' to kids is basically just preparing them for the inevitable future of selling their souls for caffeine!.