FEBRUARY 18, 1933

Full News Archive

• Headline: Woman Swindler Sentenced for Thefts. Impact: This event led to a dramatic uptick in the hiring of 'honesty coaches' for secretaries worldwide, inadvertently creating a new career path for people who had nothing to do except tell others to not steal. Thanks, Mrs. Woolley!. Fact: The only thing more inflated than the amount she swindled is the number of times people have used the phrase 'not all heroes wear capes' to describe her secretary. Spoiler: she did not save the day..
• Headline: Italians Reject Franco-British Arms Note. Impact: The tensions sparked a series of diplomatic misunderstandings that resulted in an entire generation of diplomats believing that sending a strongly-worded letter could substitute for actual conflict resolution. Spoiler: it did not.. Fact: Did you know that if diplomacy were an Olympic sport, Europe would have more medals than any other continent? And yet, they still can't seem to find a way to share a pizza without an argument..
• Headline: Minnequa Works Stages Major Re-hiring. Impact: This event prompted a miraculous revival in the economy, leading to a national fascination with steel products. In the years that followed, everyone suddenly became obsessed with collecting rusty nails as a hobby.. Fact: Re-hiring 2,100 people was a lot like giving a kid a cookie after they’ve been good for a week: everyone’s happy, but the cookie jar is still empty..
• Headline: YALE FIVE DOWNS COLUMBIA, 38 TO 27; Strengthens Hold on League Lead by Scoring Before 2,500 in Lion Gym. NIKKEL GETS 16 POINTS Brilliant Forward Leads Eli Drive -- Meisel Outstanding for Home Team. FAST FINISH BY VICTORS Second-Half Rally by Blue and White Checked -- Game Thrills the Capacity Crowd.. Impact: This game sparked a long-standing rivalry that would later inspire countless movie montages and a few regrettable tattoos of the team's mascots on overzealous fans.. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more inflated than Yale's ego after this game is the tuition for attending Yale. But hey, at least they can afford to buy their own basketball trophies!.
• Headline: Where Food Stations Are Needed.. Impact: This highlighted the growing need for food assistance which, ironically, led to a rise in hipster food trucks that serve $12 artisanal peanut butter sandwiches. Thanks for the irony, 20th century!. Fact: You know it’s bad when food stations are needed, yet avocado toast is still the go-to brunch item. Priorities, right?.
• Headline: DOWNEYS ADOPT A BOY.; Foster-Child of Radio Entertainer and Wife Is 2 Years Old.. Impact: This adoption created a new wave of celebrity adoptions, where suddenly everyone thought they could just pick up a kid like a stray cat. Thanks, Downeys, for setting that wonderful precedent!. Fact: If you think adopting a child is like adopting a pet, think again. Children come with a lot more paperwork and significantly fewer tail wags..
• Headline: HARVARD SIX TOPS DARTMOUTH, 5 TO 2; Crimson Triumphs Over Green in Overtime Contest at Boston Garden.. Impact: The Harvard-Dartmouth rivalry intensified, inspiring generations to engage in debates about which school’s legacy is more overrated. Spoiler: it's both!. Fact: Harvard winning this game was like watching a rich kid win Monopoly—everyone was expecting it, and there was still a lot of grumbling over the rules..
• Headline: Bold Thief Grabs Famous Gem In London Daylight Robbery. Impact: This robbery set off a wave of security enhancements in jewel stores worldwide, leading to the invention of gems that are actually just really shiny rocks. Talk about a glow-up!. Fact: You know it’s a bold robbery when even the thief is surprised it worked. Maybe he just wanted an Instagram moment with the gem before returning it..